- Jeff Spicoli, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. This is not a role that would benefit from a dignity (quiet or otherwise) that announces itself as it fills the room. "You dick!" is a lamentation of injury, not a cry of defiance.
- Mookie, Do the Right Thing. There is a smallness to Mookie, a nibbling-about-the-edges that is essential to convey his relationship with his neighborhood and to the flimsy racial detente within it. Also, what would the Italians have against Helen Mirren?
- Ennis Del Mar, Brokeback Mountain. I don't know, it just feels like casting Helen Mirren here would have changed the whole dynamic.
- Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights. Anybody can wear a 12-inch prosthetic penis, but not everybody could pull it off. I don't mean literally. Literally, if there were a prosthetic penis attached to Helen Mirren, I think she would be able to remove it, barring unusual methods of adhesion or I suppose if it had been attached at the exact spot in her back where she can't quite reach it. So please read that sentence figuratively.
- Howard the Duck, Howard the Duck. In fairness to Helen Mirren, imagine anybody not sucking in this role.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
DRAWBACKS OF A CLASSICAL EDUCATION: I list five iconic male roles in which Helen Mirren would have been terrible:
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