LET'S PLAY WHERE ARE MY KEYS: How deep do you think you could dig a hole? What if you had ten million friends to help you, and unlimited backhoes? Do that.
How big is your hole now? Imagine the volume of the following things that it would take to fill it up: those berries from palm trees that you can't stop stepping on; dried street-urine; Canadian pennies given to you as change when you buy gum; sap from the tree above your parking spot; skeeter-eaters and swarm termites; opossum; tourists who stop and gape right in front of the escalator; paper cuts; inconsiderate behavior; insecurity. Fill it.
Say, that hole is dangerous. Build a fence around it. The fence should be made from quarter-inch pressboard and it should be right next to your house, maybe even on your property, just a little. For glue, use the stink of live skunks. At the gate in the fence, which is attached by totally dry hinges, which make that noise when you open it, somebody has spit out his gum, and also somebody's dozens of friends also have spit out their gum, and, man, it is hot today with all of this gum on the pavement right in front of the gate. To get into the gate, you need to give your credit card to the guy at the gate, and then all he needs is your security code and password for verification purposes. Coincidentally, the guy at the gate is always the dad of the person who wants to get in, and, weirdly enough, he is naked and sexually aroused.
Hey, David Stern, I found your keys. They're right over there, in that there hole.
I am not exactly sure of the context for this, but think it might just be easier for David Stern to move or get a new car or replace his bike or just get a new whatever that the key is meant for.
ReplyDeleteif only it were true...
ReplyDeleteOr wait for someone to buy him a newer, shinier car somewhere else. Probably the safest bet.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm just going to have to assume I would understand this if I knew more about sports or Seattle or The Decemberists or the origins of the Chicago School.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. I thought the NBA (and by association, David Sterm) had ceased to exist some years ago.
ReplyDeleteThat is far beyond hoping that the next time David Stern gets a double-decker strawberry ice cream cone the ice cream part falls off the cone part and lands in Australia.
ReplyDeleteEvery now and then, I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone who says, "That sucks," and then changes the subject. But I feel like it would be boring.
ReplyDeleteWow that's bad. And I know because as someone who has been fortunate enough not to have my keys in that hole, I am uniquely qualified to appreciate how much it would suck to have my keys in that hole.
ReplyDeleteSo, Isaac, I'm guessing that you're not interested in an extra ticket to a finals home game in OKC?
ReplyDeleteRight about the time Richard Dawson and Max Von Sydow died, by my recollection.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've read it three times now and have no clue what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI'd want to see this happen to David Stern no matter what happened last night. Really, any league commissioner.
ReplyDeleteAnd if they end up against Miami? Summon the meteor, I want them both gone.
ReplyDeleteThere's always Euro 2012 starting tomorrow...
--bd
ps - you do know "A Practical Handbook" is available on Netflix streaming, right?
Of course that's where his car keys are. He's the commissioner of the hole.
ReplyDeleteI was just listening to local radio and heard it described as the feeling you have when your wife has left you for Ewan MacGregor, they are consumatting their relationship on national television and everyone is commenting on how great they look together. I think that about sums it up.
ReplyDeleteOh, dear. Another Phil.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Isaac, until about midway through the second paragraph up there I was thinking (hoping?) that maybe you'd given spacekid 1.0 your alott5ma login.
But at the risk of twisting the knife, the wife really is looking great and quite fun to watch.
ReplyDeleteDavid Stern as Navin Johnson: "He hates these keys. Stay away from the keys!"
ReplyDeleteIt did not occur to me when writing it, but you're absolutely right -- right up through the first sentence of the second paragraph, that is an uncanny approximation of 1.0's written voice.
ReplyDelete