Thursday, August 9, 2012

NOT THE ONE WITH DAN VS DAVE:  While Vince McMahon tries to figure out which of Iran's three gold medal-winning wrestlers he wants to sign as his next heel superstar, the gold medal in basketball crotch shots is being awarded (no, not the other kind), and we await this afternoon's gold medal women's soccer game, this question: the modern pentathlon is "modern" in the way that "modern art" is -- it reflects a sense of what modernity represented to a past era. In this case, Baron de Coubertin's envisioning of the 19th Century skills required to be a cavalry soldier behind enemy lines -- riding an unfamiliar horse, fighting with pistol and blade, swimming, and running away.

It's 2012. Surely there's a contemporary set of disciplines we can string together with some narrative, and my first thought (as many of mine are) goes to the skills required in Back to the Future: skateboarding, running, boxing, guitar-playing, and auto racing. You can do better.

17 comments:

  1. I'm thinking something along the lines of the modern office-worker:  Defensive driving, jostling for a seat on public transport, racewalking, ignoring coworkers' passive-aggressive comments, coffee-breaking, and maybe some yoga.

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  2. Eric J.10:15 AM

    In honor of London, how about a James Bond style competition: Driving, Krav Maga (or other fighting discipline), Automatic Weapons shooting, Climbing, and Social Engineering.

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  3. KCosmo's neighbor10:30 AM

    The "mother" of all competitions: cleaning, stair climbing (which leads to..), laundry, speed walking or driving (to get kids to various destinations in city or suburbs), cooking. At some point, either early morning or late evening, perhaps throw in some actual athletic cardio. All this must be performed while fielding hundreds of nonsensical questions.

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  4. Devin McCullen10:46 AM

    I'm thinking Breaking Bad (and leaving out competetive meth-cooking): Obstacle Driving (where you're supposed to hit certain targets), Shooting, Marathon Partying, Coming up with a convincing lie in under a minute, and the finale, Pizza Tossing.

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  5. Wouldn't it be competing on all the reality shows? Project Runway, Top Chef, Amazing Race, So You Think You Can Dance, Survivor, Design Star, RWRR Challenge.

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  6. Jordan11:01 AM

    You mean you have to use your hands?

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  7. Cook/Sing/Dance/Sew/Survive?

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  8. isaac_spaceman12:55 PM

    Spelling, preparing whale meat, immersing oneself in television, and proposing NPH and Anne Hathaway for roles in every movie, TV show, Broadway production, off-Broadway production, and community theater show that involves singing.

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  9. Fred App2:32 PM

    How about racewalking ... while texting?

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  10. Children's lit, Decemberists, reciting names of dead professional wrestlers ...

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  11. Squid5:02 PM

    Appealing to authority, excluding the middle, begging the question, ad hominem attacking, and defeating a straw man.  Or am I thinking of a different contest that comes up every 4 years?

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  12. isaac_spaceman5:55 PM

    As someone who has made countless successful comments on this site, I can confidently say that any argument that relies upon such a gross misunderstanding of what "begging the question" actually means (note to dumbshits: it doesn't mean circular argument) holds not a single idea worthy of consideration by this blog's readership. 

    GOLD MEDAL GO USA!

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  13. isaac_spaceman5:57 PM

    The ratio of Bruce posts to Decemberists posts on this site is like sideways-eight to two.  Or so.  It is possible that we've had more coverage of Carly Rae Jepsen this summer than of the Decemberists in our whole history. 

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  14. If "Call Me Maybe" is not played as part of Stump the Band on the current Springsteen tour, I'll be dismayed.  (Alternative suggestion is Jimmy Fallon as 80s Springsteen covering Call Me Maybe.)

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  15. isaac_spaceman7:09 PM

    Aaaaand Decemberists gets even further behind

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  16. J. Bowman8:50 PM

    Just to keep up the ratio:
    Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce BruceBruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Carly Rae Springsteen.

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  17. Benner11:36 AM

    Let's do a pentathalon of the best lost sports:  obstacle swimming, plunge for distance, croquet, air guitar, and bowling.

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