BUT I WANTED SALÉ AND PELLETIER AND ORSER AND BOURNE AND KRAATZ AND CHOUINARD AND MANLEY AND STOJKO AND BROWNING ALL AT THE SAME TIME: One year from today, the Winter Olympics will begin in Sochi, Russia, the Games so packed with new events that the Opening Ceremonies won't even take place until the next evening, in order to ensure that everything can still end on that final Sunday.
Among the new events? You'll be excited to hear that luge team relay and a figure skating team event are involved ... until you get to the details, which involve the most boring possible version of what you might have otherwise conjured. Luge relay does not have sleds running into sleds halfway to hand off a baton halfway through the course, but instead functions as "when one gets to the bottom, the next one starts," and team skating is not an Ice Capades spectacle but some nonsense where they just aggregate the scores of separate performances in the various disciplines. Bleh.