Thursday, November 9, 2006

THE KRISTIN DAVIS ALL-STARS: Because I am in a foul mood right now, and because my internal appropriateness censor is currently set to "give a shit -- off," and because I already opened this can of worms with my Evangeline Lilly post, I'll give you my oft-promised, never-delivered Kristin Davis All-Stars. The criteria: unprintable. But the basic point is to identify a team of women whose beauty most acutely outstrips (pun intended) their sexiness. They look great in pictures, you just want to put them up on your shelf or take them home, yada yada yada, but given the choice between them and, say, Ellen Barkin in The Big Easy (the paradigmatic anti-Kristin Davis: thoroughly unpleasant-looking, but smoldering hot), Barkin is a no-brainer.

Why Kristin Davis? Bill Simmons once wrote a column about how so many women (read: his wife) think that Kristin Davis is some kind of beauty ideal -- the rosy cheeks, perky nose, and general state of put-togetherness -- and how quick women are to temper when men say "she's as sexy as the classified ads." Frankly, I don't know why women love Kristin Davis, but I don't think it's a coincidence that she lacks the female sexy gene and the people who think she has it lack the receptor for it. Anyway, here's my list:
  • Evangeline Lilly: Yes, Bob, from the neck down, and even sometimes from the neck up with the right lighting and makeup and when she's not smiling or trying to act, she is magnificent. She has the kind of body that can only be honed through years of etiquette lessons and formal dance training. Her posture is exquisite. Yawn. Also, every time I see her I want to take her to the back yard and toss the old ball around, non-euphemistically.
  • Cobie Smulders: A face like a china doll. Just perfect for the collector who doesn't want to get his fingerprints on her by taking her out of the packaging.
  • Anne Hathaway: I go back and forth on this one, since sometimes I think that she's actually really attractive. But 75% of the time she just makes me think "young Dana Delaney".
  • Carrie Underwood: I'm not sure she even qualifies -- do people think she's beautiful? All I know is that God gave us Skechers ads so that we could see slutty women in states of near-undress, not church girls cavorting with puppies and titillating us with their demurely exposed shins.
  • Jenna Fischer: I think she's hilarious, I would love to hang out with her except that she's way too cool for me, I'm sure she's really nice, she's talented, and she's a big part of my favorite television show. That still doesn't mean that I want to get her out of her pleated khakis and sweater set.
Okay, there are more, but I've forgotten them. Now, before anybody gets upset because (a) this is a totally sexist post; or (b) worse yet, I'm wrong, let me say (a) okay; and (b) I'm right.

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