Welcome to the Hanso Island Resort and Adventure Spa! Our staff is on call to facilitate your comfort 24 hours a day, but especially when you’re sleeping and defenseless. If you’d prefer to explore our facilities on your own, we hope this guidebook will be helpful.
You’re on island time now! Your watch won't work here. Relax and let the island set your schedule. You’ll get up when the sun rises. You’ll eat when the airdrop gets here. You’ll sleep when you’ve been clubbed with a blunt object.
Visitors of all ages will love our deviously complicated hatch maze. If you lose your bearings, you can always check the secret black-light map. Just look for the spot on the ceiling where our caretaker blew his brains out, then turn on the black light by waiting 107 minutes before keying in the disaster-aversion sequence.
Feeling amorous? Upgrade to our Honeymoon Cage, where an intimate night under the stars is followed by a fine bear-cracker meal from an electro-shock machine and a beating from the staff. Amenities include a closed-circuit video feed directly to your other boyfriend.
Did you know our whole island is a living zoo? You never know when you’ll run into a hungry polar bear or branded shark or smoke monster. The first two can and will feed themselves, but if you’d like to feed the smoke monster, it eats human frailty.
We have hundreds of exotic hiking trails. Beginners especially love Murder Valley, Abduction Ridge, Unstable Explosive Loop, and Earbleed Perambulation. More experienced hikers may wish to try Attrition Deathpath and Tormenting Whisper Dead Girlfriend Incline.
Parents: You’ll love our Kids Club! Our counselors will lead your children in crafts, hikes, and insurrection. Underattended children will be enrolled in the Kids’ Club.
If a crazed physicist, apparition, smoke monster, paramilitarist, or future incarnation of yourself tells you to leave, please proceed in an orderly fashion to the nearest submarine, tanker, or wormhole. We’re sure you’ll come back. We mean it: we’re sure you’ll come back.
Our resort is as legendary for its natural healing properties as for its unnatural killing efficiency. In the unlikely event that you both need and are allowed access to first-aid, our sterile facilities are located in a hole in the ground, where we coerce reluctant bystanders into impromptu surgery.
Feel like exploring the area? A smaller equally deadly island is a short blindfolded boat ride away. Or you can sail into the wide blue ocean, domain of sniper fire, marauding child-stealers, and brain-exploding nosebleeds.
If you just can’t get enough of the Hanso Island Resort, try one of our package deals!
- Loyalty Rewards Program: We know that it’s hard to go back to the real world once you’ve been here. If you manage to leave, you’ll understand what we mean. So we’ll throw in the return flight for free! Come back to remember why you left in the first place!
- The Family Package: Mom and dad worked here. Your secret brother and sister spent time here. You were born here. You gave birth in one of our state-of-the-art holes in the ground. You misplaced your father’s corpse here. Come home -- you're family.
- In-Kind Discounts: Feeling kidnapped? We want you to feel wanted.
- Yoga on the beach: sunrise
- One-way swimming: noon
- High-impact torturing: check weekly schedule
- Running from flaming arrows: sunset to sunrise
Underground scavenger hunt every Wednesday! Find: A salty sea captain’s costume; a nuclear bomb; an Egyptian temple; your own dessicated time-traveled corpses; a donkey wheel; Juliet.
Thursday is date night!
- Singles Mixer: Small Conference Room A. We remind you to use caution when hooking up, since you are probably related.
- Widowed Lovers Mixer: Ballroom C.
Sunday: Nondenominational services and ritual sacrifice at the three-toed foot of Anubis.
ABSOLUTELY NO "WE ALL EVERYBODY!"
Enjoy your stay -- or else!