Monday, February 1, 2010


Welcome to the Hanso Island Resort and Adventure Spa! Our staff is on call to facilitate your comfort 24 hours a day, but especially when you’re sleeping and defenseless. If you’d prefer to explore our facilities on your own, we hope this guidebook will be helpful.

You’re on island time now! Your watch won't work here. Relax and let the island set your schedule. You’ll get up when the sun rises. You’ll eat when the airdrop gets here. You’ll sleep when you’ve been clubbed with a blunt object.

Visitors of all ages will love our deviously complicated hatch maze. If you lose your bearings, you can always check the secret black-light map. Just look for the spot on the ceiling where our caretaker blew his brains out, then turn on the black light by waiting 107 minutes before keying in the disaster-aversion sequence.

Feeling amorous? Upgrade to our Honeymoon Cage, where an intimate night under the stars is followed by a fine bear-cracker meal from an electro-shock machine and a beating from the staff. Amenities include a closed-circuit video feed directly to your other boyfriend.

Did you know our whole island is a living zoo? You never know when you’ll run into a hungry polar bear or branded shark or smoke monster. The first two can and will feed themselves, but if you’d like to feed the smoke monster, it eats human frailty.

We have hundreds of exotic hiking trails. Beginners especially love Murder Valley, Abduction Ridge, Unstable Explosive Loop, and Earbleed Perambulation. More experienced hikers may wish to try Attrition Deathpath and Tormenting Whisper Dead Girlfriend Incline.

Parents: You’ll love our Kids Club! Our counselors will lead your children in crafts, hikes, and insurrection. Underattended children will be enrolled in the Kids’ Club.

If a crazed physicist, apparition, smoke monster, paramilitarist, or future incarnation of yourself tells you to leave, please proceed in an orderly fashion to the nearest submarine, tanker, or wormhole. We’re sure you’ll come back. We mean it: we’re sure you’ll come back.

Our resort is as legendary for its natural healing properties as for its unnatural killing efficiency. In the unlikely event that you both need and are allowed access to first-aid, our sterile facilities are located in a hole in the ground, where we coerce reluctant bystanders into impromptu surgery.

Feel like exploring the area? A smaller equally deadly island is a short blindfolded boat ride away. Or you can sail into the wide blue ocean, domain of sniper fire, marauding child-stealers, and brain-exploding nosebleeds.

If you just can’t get enough of the Hanso Island Resort, try one of our package deals!

  • Loyalty Rewards Program: We know that it’s hard to go back to the real world once you’ve been here. If you manage to leave, you’ll understand what we mean. So we’ll throw in the return flight for free! Come back to remember why you left in the first place!

  • The Family Package: Mom and dad worked here. Your secret brother and sister spent time here. You were born here. You gave birth in one of our state-of-the-art holes in the ground. You misplaced your father’s corpse here. Come home -- you're family.

  • In-Kind Discounts: Feeling kidnapped? We want you to feel wanted.
This week’s schedule of activities:


  • Yoga on the beach: sunrise

  • One-way swimming: noon

  • High-impact torturing: check weekly schedule

  • Running from flaming arrows: sunset to sunrise
Superficial book club: Tuesdays at lunch. Wikpedia the great works by Locke, Hume, Rousseau, Kelvin, and Burke.

Underground scavenger hunt every Wednesday! Find: A salty sea captain’s costume; a nuclear bomb; an Egyptian temple; your own dessicated time-traveled corpses; a donkey wheel; Juliet.

Thursday is date night!

  • Singles Mixer: Small Conference Room A. We remind you to use caution when hooking up, since you are probably related.

  • Widowed Lovers Mixer: Ballroom C.
Saturday, 6:00 – 11:00 a.m.: Jack will tell everybody the story of his dumb tattoo.

Sunday: Nondenominational services and ritual sacrifice at the three-toed foot of Anubis.


Enjoy your stay -- or else!


  1. kevbo nobo7:16 AM


  2. calliekl7:46 AM

    SO psyched for tomorrow. I'm expecting ~90% of my non-work related conversations will rotate around Lost for the next couple of days. I'm even watching Groundhog Day early to fit it in. Namaste!

  3. Isaac wins the Internet today.

  4. Joan H9:29 AM

    Brilliant! What a great way to start the week.  This post may be better than the series it's describing...

  5. Carmichael Harold9:30 AM

    That's awesome, Isaac.  When it turns out that all of Lost was just Bob Newhart's dream, at least we'll always have your pre-season write-ups.

  6. Adam C.9:36 AM

    Four-toed foot of Taweret, but, with that tiny quibble, what Adam said. 

  7. This is by far one of my favorite things about ALOTTFMA. Look forward to it every season. Well done sir.

  8. The hiking trails are particularly brilliant. Thanks for the annual tradition - can't wait for tomorrow!  (A triply exciting day in pop culture: Lost premieres, Oscar noms are announced, and it's Groundhog Day.)

  9. I'm giong to sleep in on Saturdays to miss the story of Jack's dumb tattoo, if for no other reason. Bravo, Isaac.

  10. bella wilfer12:50 PM

    Driveshaft!!  As always, amazing and gets me even more excited for tomorrow night! (especially now that Lost isn't on the same time as Survivor, completely overloading my Thursdays...)

  11. Marsha1:51 PM

    Woohoo! Thank you, Isaac, as usual. I rewatched the S5 finale this weekend to prepare. Am considering watching the pilot, as all the TV critics seem to be doing.

    (Speaking of Groundhog Day, Stephen Tobolowsky is on Twitter @tobolowsky. He will be in Punxatawney for GD, and says the top three things quoted as him are "<span><span>1First Step...2.Bing...3.Oh Phil")</span></span>

  12. Eric J.1:53 PM

    Last years was great, but it lost a bit of its luster once Hurley basically had those conversations with his mother.

  13. Emily3:14 PM

    Brilliant, Isaac, as always. Part of my excitement over this season of LOST is getting to read all of your responses to the episodes.

  14. Betsy6:40 PM

    The NYT recommends: The Pilot, The Constant, Through the Looking Glass, The Variable and The Incident. (Watched The Constant last night and it is still as amazing and poignant as at first viewing.)

  15. BenLinusville1:22 PM

    Love the tone of this post, hilarious.  Reminds me of this:

    Have you guys played through it, and did you know Juliet has taken her top off on film?  Nice.

  16. De plane, boss, de plane!

    Come, come, everyone.

    Welcome to Fantasy Island!

    Or should I say welcome, again!

  17. Rachel7:29 PM

    I thought it was "You Are Everybody."  I was wondering what the hell that meant and hoping it would be cleared up in Season 6.  But "You All Everybody" makes less sense, if possible.