A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

MAD HOPS, WHEELS, GUNS: Because the official schedule for the Olympics (which, did you know, start this week?) is written in Chinese Olympico-speak, I thought I'd translate the sport titles into plain English for you:

Athletics: Track, field, Oakland baseball
Rowing: Euphemistic boxing
Badminton: Hamptons yard-tennis
Baseball: Popular game as played by Cubans and people not among the remaining 5,000 best players in the world
Basketball: Popular game as played by best players in the world while not caring
Boxing: Violence-diluted fixery
Canoe-Kayak Flatwater: Evian
Canoe-Kayak Slalom: Perrier
Cycling-Track: Danger spin class
Cycling-Road: Commuting
Cycling-Mountain Bike: Rocky Mountain commuting
Cycling-BMX: X-Games consolation prize
Equestrian-Jumping: Jumping over horses
Equestrian-Dressage: S&M
Equestrian-Eventing: This is not a verb
Fencing: Border protection (advantage: China)
Football: Soccer
Artistic Gymnastics: Regular gymnastics
Gymnastics - Trampoline: Awesome gymnastics
Rhythmic Gymnastics: Lame gymnastics
Weightlifting: Advanced pharmacology
Handball: Russian mafia badminton
Hockey: Obviously not hockey
Judo: Hebraic activity
Wrestling - Greco-Roman: Soccer-style wrestling
Wrestling - Freestyle: Rhyme-grappling
Aquatics - Swimming: Submersible Sisyphea
Aquatics - Synchronized Swimming: Extraordinary athleticism marred by junior beauty-pageant makeup and costuming
Aquatics - Diving: One-way gymnastics
Aquatics - Water Polo: Warm hockey
Modern Pentathalon: Antisocial survivalism
Softball: Corporate retreat baseball
Taekwondo: Floor-bound gymkata
Tennis: Russian mafia girlfriend badminton
Table tennis: Mormon beer pong
Shooting: China 2008 Olympic Internet filter (modern)
Archery: China 2008 Olympic Internet filter (archaic)
Triathalon: Quadrathalon minus 3000K log-roll
Sailing: Competitive benefactory
Volleyball: Adult hot potato
Beach Volleyball: Softcore adult hot potato