P.S.<span>Because she ran away from the ball.</span>
How many mice does it take to screw in a lighbulb?Two.
Let's have Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly tell us some bad jokes.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?A: [sigh.] I have this joke on vinyl.Q: <span>How did the hipster burn his hand? </span><span>A: He was changing lightbulbs before they were cool.</span><span></span>
So this termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where is the bar tender?"
As ever, my favorite bad joke.... I give you Mr. Norm MacDonald:http://www.youtube.com/v/jTNGpkwtm0E" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="170" height="140
Indulge me in some librarian "humor"?Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor? Because she was in the non-friction section.How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb? Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work!Q. How many reference librarians does it take to change a light bulb?A. Well, what kind of light bulb were you thinking about?And to top it off, one that combines two professions found 'round these parts:Q: What happens when you cross a librarian and a lawyer? A: You get all the information you want, but you can't understand it.
Q: Why take a six-foot mushroom to a party?A: Because he's a fungi.
If you can post jokes that are cheesy and appreciated by an almost-7 year old, I will be thrilled!What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?Nacho cheeseDid you hear about the fire at the circus?It was intense.
Knock, knock.Who's there?The KGB.The KGB who?WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!
Why did the chicken cross the road?(Hemingway) To die. Alone. In the rain.(Col. Sanders) What? I missed one?(Southerner) To prove to the possum that it could be done.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?Quatro...sinko!
Related: It's a myth that possums are born in the road dead.Also related: I loved hearing someone refer to armadillos as "Possum on the half shell"(Thanks to climate change Athens is now below the "armadillo line" - those things freak me out)
Stolen from the Sunday funnies, Get Fuzzy:A couple goes to a karaoke bar and hears a guy do the best cover of Stairway to Heaven they've ever heard. They ask him if he will sing at their wedding, and he says that, actually, he's a judge, and can sing AND marry them! They agree, but on the wedding day it turns out that the judge can't sing any other songs well, and he ruins their wedding. The moral of the story? Don't book a judge by his cover.
A man walks into a bar. "What'll you have?" asks the bartender. "Whiskey, please," says the man. He drinks it, and then he drinks several more, at first to take the sting out of a difficult day, and later to dull the regret he feels for the life that he now feels he squandered, moment by inconsequential moment, never realizing until too late the irreversibe error of his complacence. He leaves his car at the bar and calls a cab to take him home, not because he values his or anybody else's life, and not out of any sense of moral obligation, but strictly out of habit accreted over time. (rim shot)Incidentally, the original bad-joke thread was not a bad-joke thread. It was a very short story.
How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?A buccaneer.
<span>A man walks into a bar. "What'll you have?" asks the bartender. "Whiskey, please," says the man. He drinks it, and then he drinks several more, at first to take the sting out of a difficult day, and later to dull the regret he feels for the life that he now feels he squandered, moment by inconsequential moment, never realizing until too late the irreversible error of his complacence. He leaves his car at the bar and calls a cab to take him home, not because he values his or anybody else's life, and not out of any sense of moral obligation, but strictly out of habit accreted over time. (rim shot) Incidentally, the original bad-joke thread was not a bad-joke thread. It was a very short story. </span>
What did the zero say to the eight?Nice belt!A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer, and a mop.
What is the difference between an onion and an accordian?No one cries when you cut up an accordian.
Reminds me of this one:How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?THAT'S NOT VERY FUNNY!
So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. The bartender says, “Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?” The pirate responds, “Arrr. It’s driving me nuts!”
Me: Knock knock.My father: Who's there?Me: Paul.My father: Paul who?Me: Tabachneck. ...Dude, I'm your son.
I watched an interview with John Cleese who once stated that the following was his favoritve joke:What's black, white and red and gets stuck in an elevator?A nun with a spear through her head.
I love "Get Fuzzy"
Why couldn't the pony whinny?Because he was a little hoarse.**Why do we remember some terrible jokes and not others? That gem has been my go-to since I was in the third grade.
Number one in the family repertoire:Knock knock!Who's there?Interrupting cow.Interrup...MOO!
Hey Sue, should I try to type out some of Dad's favorites? they're long and awful in an endearing, nostalgic sort of way...
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?"Dam."
A hunter went into the forest and the path forked. A sign said "Bear Left."So he went home.Two guys walked into a bar.You'd think the second guy would've ducked!
I highly recommend this book:http://www.amazon.com/Why-Did-Chicken-Cross-Road/dp/0803730942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331317029&sr=1-1
Why did the chicken cross the playground?To get to the other slide.
The version of that joke I knew was "has a hard time getting through revolving doors"Anyway, what did the cat get when he was walking in the desert on Christmas?Sandy claws.
How many surrealists does it take the screw in a lightbulb?Fish*(*if you don't get it I just it just wan't your cup of fur)------How many (insert name of prestegious college here) students does it take to change a lightbulb?One. The stand on the ladder, hold the bulb up, and the whole world revolves around them.------What's green and red and goes 50 miles and hour counterclockwise?A frog in a blender.
Polar bear cub: Mom, am I a polar bear?Mom: Yes dear, that's right. You're my little bear.Cub: Right, but, am I a polar bear?Mom: Yes, of course.Cub: Are you sure?Mom: Yes! Why are you asking?Cub: Because I'm FREEEEEZING.
Three guys walk into a bar. Fourth one ducks.
Works better out loud, but here you go:Why did the Frenchman only have one egg? Because one egg was un <span>oeuf</span>.
Marsha, January 2011: <span>I have a 6 year old and a three year old. Therefore, all the world is a knock knock joke. The biggest hit in my house at the moment: Knock Knock! Who's there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupti... MOO!</span><span></span><span>That joke is like the Marsha family Dark Side of the Moon. </span>
Knock-knock.Who's there?BananaBanana who?Knock-knock.Who's there.BananaBanana who?Knock-knock.Who's there?Orange.Orange who?Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
They're called classics for a reason!
I always thought that was the price of corn.
In Russia, knock knock joke asks you! /smirnov
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?A: Nothing. It just gave out a little whine.
Sure - you probably could do a better job than I could. I can remember two - the rary bird and Roy Rogers and the cat. I recall both as taking forever to get to a groaner of a punch line. :)
That last one reminds me of a book that went around my summer camp for a while. I think it was called "Truly Gross Jokes." A lot of blonde jokes, lightbulb jokes, etc. But its most popular section was a series of jokes that all started with, "What's grosser than gross?" I can't think of any right now, and for that I am grateful.
How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to change the bulb, and one to say loudly, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?A receding hare-line.
Q: How many literalists does it take to change a broken light bulb?A: Uh, what kind of bulb emits broken light?
Q: How many U of C Law students does it take to change a lightbulb.A: None. If the lightbulb needs changing, the market will take care of it.
One with little prismatic inclusions in the translucent or transparent casing around the light source. ...lazy ass literalists.
I said it was #1 in the family repertoire! At least I'm consistent... (though apparently now we interrupt earlier).
Those are the only two I remember as well. And Dad deliberately drew them out as long as possible - he made it an art. It's actually fairly easy to tell them quickly if you're, you know, not trying to torture your daughters.
(In memory of my father, who liked nothing more than a really awful pun. As mentioned above, he would drag this joke out as long as humanly possible, torturing us forever before finally getting to the horrible punchline. We loved it. You may need to read the punchline out loud.)Roy Rogers is out for a ride one day, wearing his fabulous, brand new boots. He's pretty pleased with the boots, and it very much enjoying the ride, as it's a lovely day. His mind is wandering, and he doesn't notice a big mountain lion coming up beside him until the lion is poised for attack. The lion leaps, Roy is startled, and the lion manages to get a hold of one of Roy's feet. A scuffle ensues, and Roy barely manages to get away, though not before the lion chews one of the new boots right off his feet.Roy rides quickly back to town to get help. Standing in one boot, he tells the whole story, and gathers his friends to go take care of the mountain lion before it hurts anyone in town. He and his posse are riding along, trying to find the lion, when his friend spies a mountain lion high up on the ridge. He turns to Roy and says, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that ate the new shoe?"
Q: How many spelling bee contestants does it take to change a light blub?A: Light bulb? Am I pronouncing that correctly? What is the language of origin?
...is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
my version:<span><span>Knock Knock! Who's there? Interrupting Cow with amnesia. Interrupti... oink oink oink!</span> </span>
So a string walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, man, we don't serve strings here." The string - a determined young fella - leaves the bar and futzes with his hairdo til it's all tied together, with the ends sticking up and crazy. He walks back into the bar, where the bartender says "hey, aren't you that string I just kicked outta here?" The string says "no, sir, I'm a frayed knot."
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?One, but the bulb really has to want to change.
Ooh, that was one of my FAVORITES when I was a kid. Well played.
A guy is driving his truck down the street with a bunch of penguins in the back. A cop pulls them over and says, "You can't do that! Take those penguins to the zoo!"The next day: same guy, same road, same truck, same penguins, except they all have towels around their necks and white stuff on their noses. The same cop pulls them over and says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" The driver responds: "I did, and we had such a great time, we're going to the beach today!"And now for an R-rated penguin joke:A penguin's car breaks down. He gets it towed to a mechanic, who tells him it's going to be a while and that there's a mall across the street where he could bide his time. The penguin does a little shopping, has lunch, and gets a cup of vanilla ice cream for dessert, but he can't hold the spoon in his flipper and gets the ice cream all over his face. He goes back to the mechanic, who tells him "it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin gets flustered and protests, "Oh, no, no, it's just ice cream!"
The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind in here."
So, two neutrinos walk into a bar.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "would all of you gentlemen like a drink?"The first logician says, "I don't know."The second logician says, "I don't know, either."The third logician says, "Yes."
Q: Where does the king keep his armies?A: In his sleevies.Q: According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?A: Funf.
What's grosser than gross? A worm in your apple. What's grosser than that? A half a worm in your apple.What's grosser than gross? You're eating cornflakes and your brother lost his scab collection.
Whar's black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
From McSweeneys, jokes I may have misremembered,Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy go to the welfare office. They wait in the lobby for hours before the case worker calls them each in turn. When asked for a Social Security number, each fills in “000-00-0000.” The case worker goes home and sighs to her husband about her aching joints, the dreary commute, and the grinding uniformity of imaginary characters with shamelessly real hunger.
Then there are two classics from the 1960s:Q: What's big and purple and swims in the ocean?A: Moby Grape.Q: What's green and sings?A: Elvis Parsley.
It is because of Get Fuzzy that I started calling my mother a laundry racist.
These were my late mother's favorite jokes:How do you catch a unique rabbit?Unique up on it.How do you catch a tame rabbit?Tame way.
[this is one that can be dragged out forever, of course]The Pope comes into town and on his limosine ride in, he taps on the glass and asks the driver if he can drive instead. He hasn't driven a car since he was a parish priest and misses it. The driver gets in the back, the Pope gets in the front and immediately, the Pope is weaving through traffic at eighty, ninety, a hundred miles an hour. And pretty soon, he gets pulled over by this rookie cop.THe cop comes up, taps on the glass, and the Pope roles down the window. The cop tells the Pope to hold on while he gets on the radio. The cop calls his sergeant and says he's pulled over someone really important."You need to give him a ticket, even if it's the police chief.""This guy's more important than the police chief.""Even if it's the Mayor.""He's more important than that, Sarge.""Even if its the Governor, you write the ticket. You won't get in trouble.""He's even more important than that.""Who could be more important than the governor?""I don't know, but the Pope's his driver."
The punch line I've always heard was, "I think it must be God, because the Pope's his chauffer."
Well done, Marsha. :)I believe I might have needed the punch line explained to me the first time i heard this one. At seven or eight years old, I wasn't exactly familiar with the songs of the 1940s.