ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED NOT TO GO DOWN IN VALUE*: If you bought an Aaron Hernandez jersey, you can trade it in for something else at the Patriots' Pro Shop. I suppose it's a good idea to get those out of circulation to keep the brand strong (you won't find any SIMPSON 32 jerseys at the 49ers shop), but it's still a nice move. * THIS IS NOT A GUARANTEE

ALOTT5MA FRIDAY GRAMMAR RODEO, PENKNIFE STABBING DIVISION:  From the letters to the editor of the Provincetown Banner, June 27, 2013:

To the editor: 

I tool a walk down Commercial to get a look at the for-sale Norman Mailer house. I was shocked to see the sign on the building that read "Writers Colony." My jaw dropped—I am a militant grammarian—should it not be "Writers' Colony"? The colony is possessed by the writers—you can restate it as "the colony of writers." These quick checks confirm, in my mind, that we are missing an apostrophe and, in all places, in an institution that is dedicated to writing. 

However, I consulted a few of my grammar pals, some of whom are dogmatic when it comes fo following the proper rules of grammar, and I came up with a mixed response. Even "Elements of Style" did not yield a definitive answer. Can someone out there help me? 

A reader who needs an answer,
Roger Marks
Wellfleet

DON'T THE NIGHTS PASS SLOW:  27 Songs That Always Sound Better At Night.

THANK YOU. I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FLAIR FOR STAGE DIRECTIONS: Zach Braff has signed up to star in Bullets over Broadway on Broadway in spring 2014, and while the Chazz Palminteri and (Oscar-winning) Dianne Wiest roles in the Susan Stroman-directed musical haven't been cast ...

The cast will also feature Brooks Ashmanskas (Promises, Promises; Present Laughter) as Warner Purcell, Betsy Wolfe (Last Five Years, Drood) as Ellen, Lenny Wolpe (The Drowsy Chaperone) as Julian Marx, Hélene Yorke (Grease) as Olive Neal and "Sopranos" actor Vincent Pastore as gangster Nick Valenti.

IF I WRING LITTLE NECKS SURELY I WILL GET AN ACQUITTAL:  From Bad Teacher to Bad Orphanage: Cameron Diaz to portray Miss Hannigan in the Quvenzhané Wallis Annie remake, co-starring Jamie Foxx as "Benjamin Stacks". Still waiting on casting for The Lovely Boylan Sisters.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SOMEONE LIKE ME TELLING THAT BOY WHAT A HERSHEY BAR IS. HE ALREADY KNOWS:  A map of the United States featuring the most famous company founded in each state.

THAT'S THE POWER OF LOVE: Among the many great tidbits in Grantland's Huey Lewis deep dive (and, man, are those words that I didn't think would go together)--for the 52 weeks of 1984, only 5 albums hit #1--Thriller, Purple Rain, the Footloose soundtrack, Born In The USA, and Huey's own Sports.  In contrast, this year, we've already had 21 different number 1 albums, with only four albums lasting more than a single week atop the charts (Red, Babel, The 20/20 Experience, and Random Access Memories).

THE NEXT PIXAR SEQUEL:  Grand Theft Woody.

ANIMAL LAWYER STYLE: So, In-N-Out Burger sent a cease & desist letter to a trendy restaurant in Houston, complaining that their use of "Double-Double" as a hamburger name infringed on In -N-Out's marks.  The response?  You can now order a "Cease & Desist Burger."

SHA LA LA LA:  Gary David Goldberg, creator of the tv shows Family Ties, Spin City, and Brooklyn Bridge, has passed away of brain cancer and is now with his beloved former golden retriever black lab Ubu again.

I'M ON FIRE: I'm sure someone will shortly put up a place to talk about last night's Mad Men with its Hershey bars and "NOT GREAT, BOB!" but I wanted to talk about last night's premiere of Whodunnit?, ABC's effort at summer reality.  As best as can be determined from the debut episode, the show's basically The Mole (Yay!) minus Anderson Cooper (Boo!, though he's replaced by snarky butler, so could be worse) plus a "murder mystery" coat of paint.  Yes, the show feels oddly Joe Schmo-y, in part because the conceit of the show (each losing contestant is elaborately "murdered" and their murder is then "investigated" by the remaining competitors) requires a great deal of acting on the part of the contestants. 

Of course, the "murder" is ridiculously elaborate (the first case involves the victim being lured in front of a fish tank, having arteries in the neck severed by a borderline-impossible slingshot shot, causing her to fall into and shatter the tank, resulting in her already-dead body being electrocuted), and the show toes the line between fun-fake and ridiculous-fake, but the clues are fun.  Anyone else watch?  It and The Hero are looking like my Disposable Summer Reality Fare of choice this year (with USA, as usual, leading Disposable Summer Scripted Fare).

BUT MARGE, I WAS A POLITICAL PRISONER!  Was "Itchy & Scratchy Land," as the AV Club's Kyle Ryan (and presumably all boys named "Bort") claims, among the top three Simpsons episodes of all time?

[Did not know: the episode was the writers' response to Fox efforts to get them to cut out the Itchy & Scratchy stuff, given indecency concerns.]