NO ONE -- AND I MEAN NO ONE -- COMES ONTO THIS BLOG AND PUSHES ME AROUND: If you're like me -- and even if you're not, if you've got cable, then undoubtedly you've seen the inspirational football film RUDY, or at least parts of it, at least half a dozen times. But does it have anything to do with the real life Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger? Not so much, says this ESPN article, part of an excellent series by ESPN's Jeff Merron on the real life stories behind Hollywood sports films.

But you will learn something. I mean, it's not surprising that Coach Dan Devine wasn't as much of a jerk as the movie portrayed him, or that various characters are composites. But did you know that the football scenes were choreographed by O.J. Simpson emergency chauffer Al "This is A.C." Cowlings? That the actual starting Notre Dame starting quarterback for most of that 1975 season was some guy named Joe Montana?

Learn even more, maybe, from Rudy himself -- right here. (Like, you can get Daniel Ruettiger to speak to your company for only $17,500, plus expenses -- but for that money, wouldn't you rather rent Cheap Trick or the guys from Mr. Show?)

(And that whole list, for what it's worth, is here.)

P.S. More on commerce: did you know that you could order the videotape of the 1954 Indiana state basketball championship during which tiny little Milan High bested Muncie Central, inspiring the movie HOOSIERS, which has its own set of credibility issues?

HEY HEY HEY! IT'S TRA THOMAS! Now auditioning for the role of new Eagles quarterback: former Philadelphia high school sports star William H. Cosby, Jr., Ed. D. You can't make up stuff like this.

MORE HIZZISTORY: As it turns out, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer beat me to this story in an article published earlier this year. Among the linguistic findings:

The predominant theory seems to be that it comes from the Cuzz (sometimes "Cuz") branch of the Los Angeles-based gang, the Crips. The Cuzzes took to using zz's in place of s's, and then the z's started crezzeeping into the middle of the wozzurds. For example, "chronic" -- a slang term for marijuana -- became crazzonic. And guess who used to be a Crip until it got his bony backside into prison? That's right, Snoop himself.

The article concludes with instrizzuctions and a disclaimer: "Don't blame us if you sound laughably unhip -- in our experience, only rappers can (sort of) get away with throwing this lingo around."

Worth keeping in mizzind.

SOON TO APPEAR IN SPANISH PANTALONES II: As far as journalistic flubs go, this one's among the less damaging. Still, from this week's New York Observer:

In early January, Rolling Stone will publish a story by writer Robert Kurson, talking about what it's been like to lead a life with, um, a man with a big penis. Originally considered by Esquire, Rolling Stone managing editor Ed Needham said: "It's a story of man with an extraordinary gift. It's something new, something different, something you haven't read before. This is a biological fact of life that we find difficult and embarrassing, but this is a guy that was born with an enormous asset in an otherwise ordinary life.

"I'm not sure he has too many problems with it," Mr. Needham continued. "He's a fairly confident individual. He doesn't treat it like a disability or inconvenience. It tends to be the people around him that have problems with it."

So far, so good. But according to Robert Kurson:

Were it only true! The New York Observer noted that I would be writing an upcoming piece for Rolling Stone about my own large penis. In fact, the story is about the penis of someone else. Alas, I'm still the "normal" man I always have been. But what a thrill while it lasted! Think I should ask for a correction?

Courtesy Romenesko's MediaNews.

SPOILER ALERT: According to the review in today's Philadelphia Inquirer, one of today's holiday movie releases features a man tormented by the fact that his parents were killed in a tragic Hanukkah fire.

But which one? Is it Ararat, Atom Egoyan's inquiry into the legacy of the Armenian genocide? Solaris, the new George Clooney/Steven Soderbergh sci-fi intellectual romance mystery? Disney's Treasure Planet, taking a looser adaptation of the Robert Louis Stevenson classic than you anticipated? Perhaps it's Die Another Day, bringing a layer to our understanding of James Bond. Or, maybe, none of the above.

You'll have to read Carrie Rickey's review to find out.

NEXT STEP: REAL-LIFE CENTAURS: The New York Times reports today that scientists are considering a plan to inject human stem cells in a mouse and create a man-mouse hybrid to test the stem cells' usefulness in treating specific diseases. Here's what the working prototype looks like:

GUY RITCHIE ONLY AT #34? Film Threat magazine has now published its list of the Fifty Coldest People in Hollywood. A sampling:

3. CUBA GOODING, JR.
Show him the money and he'll make the movie, no matter how demeaning or insulting the role. With garbage like Snow Dogs, Rat Race and Boat Trip taking up his time, it is mindboggling to remember he once made films like Boyz N the Hood and actually won an Oscar for Jerry Maguire in the not-distant past. You have to wonder what happened if Disney decided to remake Song of the South, we can bet even money that Gooding would be front and center doing "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah!"

9. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Darth Vader as you've never seen him...a pouty, petulant faux-teen with a sissy voice. A worldwide hunt for the new Anakin in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones resulted in... HIM? What happened, did Lucas lose Lynn Stalmaster's phone number?

17. MIRA SORVINO
Winner of the Louise Fletcher Award for the Worst Post-Oscar Career Trajectory, boasting a filmography littered with barely-noticed parts in barely-considered flicks (anyone remember Too Tired to Die or Lisa Picard is Famous or The Triumph of Love?). Her latest, Wise Girls with Mariah Carey (?!?), was so awful that it went straight from Sundance into an unpublicized cable TV broadcast. At the speed her career is declining, it shouldn't be long before she shows up hosting infomercials at four in the morning.

Edited to add: Jen notes that Marisa Tomei and Alicia Silverstone are now so cold as to not even deserve mentioning at this point. Guh.