(TITLE REMOVED DUE TO REQUEST OF ESTATE OF MILDRED HILL): Is there a better way of wasting time than wandering around the IMDB? Today's irrestiable tidbit? It's James Michael Tyler's 42nd birthday today. Yes, Gunther is 42 and still has that silly dye job.

Other noteworthy birthdays today? Gladys Knight and Rudy Giuliani are both 60 today. The real "Patch Adams" is 59. Rump shaker Kylie Minogue is 36, and "Survivor" babe and "View" co-host Elisabeth Filarski Hasselbeck is 27. I'd like to note that I'm available to be paid obsene amounts of money to sit on a couch for an hour every morning and ask questions of celebrities. Hell, screw "The View," just give the bloggers around here a show.

BEST. COMMENTARY. EVER.: I used to love "Alias." The smart, intricate plotting of the first two seasons, the awesome acting, the great action sequences. I own the first two seasons of the show on DVD. I was looking forward to the third season, given the massive and clever cliffhanger that ended the second season. Yet this season, it felt like they were making it up as they went along, a problem compounded by the fact that Lena Olin wouldn't come back, and fangirl outrage caused the change of a major plot arc.

I wasn't going to pick up the S3 DVDs for that reason, but now, I might. Yes, for the first time, a TWoP recapper will be providing commentary for a DVD episode. Now, can I ask for the following other ones? Miss Alli providing commentary for DVD sets of either "The Apprentice" or "The Amazing Race?" Deborah providing commentary on "West Wing" or "Joan of Arcadia?" Shack providing commentary on a new "From Justin to Kelly" DVD (read the recap. No, seriously.)?

And just to add to my shameful "AI" confessions--never watched an episode, but I really like the Kimberly Locke single. Maybe she just got better songwriters than other folks did ("Some people wait a lifetime for that one special kiss?").

THE FACE THAT LAUNCHED A MILLION PIZZAS: Cartoonist Gill Fox passed away at the age of 88 earlier this month. While his name won't be familiar to most and a the good share of his life's work is unheralded, buried all the way in the sixth paragraph of his obituary is the news that Fox is the man responsible for one of the enduring icons of the later half of the 20th century: "Examples of his line drawing and advertising illustration include the betoqued chef, winking and making an A-OK sign, who was nearly ubiquitous on pizza boxes in the 1980's."

Tonight, please raise a slice and honor Gill Fox.

YES, BUT FROM HERE HE'S GOING TO SKADDEN: Submitted for your amusement is this month's version of the I Can't Believe Someone In A Law Firm Wrote This, So Now I'm Forwarding It Around To Everyone I Know e-mail.

It comes to us from the San Diego branch office of a major West Coast-based law firm, and it goes a little something like this:

As many of you are aware, today is my last day at the firm. It is time for me to move on and I want you to know that I have accepted a position as "Trophy Husband". This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident this new role represents a welcome change in my life and a step up from my current situation. While I have a high degree of personal respect for [Name] as a law firm, and I have made wonderful friendships during my time here, I am no longer comfortable working for a group largely populated by gossips, backstabbers and Napoleonic personalities. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be dressed up like a piñata and beaten than remain with this group any longer. I wish you continued success in your goals to turn vibrant, productive, dedicated associates into an aimless, shambling group of dry, lifeless husks.

May the smoke from any bridges I burn today be seen far and wide.

Respectfully submitted,

[x]

Details deleted just because, well, you never know how legit one of these things is.

HUNG WANKENSTEIN, MOULIN SPLOOGE, AND H.R. MUFF N' STUFF: That's just a taste of what you'll find on the list of The 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles. (Note: Kind of safe for work. I mean there's no pictures other than a couple of pornographic cartoons, including a X-rated take on Hello Kitty. Listen, you know where you work better than I do. Use some judgment. If you think this kind of thing will reflect poorly on you in the workplace then show some restraint and wait until you get home. If your boss and co-workers, however, enjoy a good laugh, then click away.)

(Link via the guy last spotted singing "Almost Paradise" with Kate Lee on karaoke night.)

WELL, STILL BETTER THAN UPN: Sadly, while I was away, I missed network up-front season, where new shows are announced and cancellations are confirmed. I'm only mildly ashamed to admit that there are a couple of shows I watch on the WB. "Everwood" and "Gilmore Girls" are both (at least when they're at their best) among the best television has to offer. In particular, the way both shows have dealt with teenagers and sex this year has been both memorable and excellent. Thus, I'm saddened to see that the WB will offer the following new shows next year:

"Blue Collar TV" (Wednesday at 9): Taking a "Blue Collar" perspective, each show begins with a standup routine by Jeff Foxworthy. The rest of the episode then continues with skits based on the them set up at the beginning.

"Commando Nanny" (Friday at 8:30): A 20-year-old ex-commando for the British Special Forces moves to Beverly Hills and takes a job as a nanny for three spoiled rich kids.

Other low-lights:

"Wife Swap" (ABC, Wednesdays, 10 PM): Another British import, this one swaps the matriarch of two families for 10 days. For the first half, the women must follow the established rules of the house and family they're now responsible. For the second half, they get to do things their way.

"dr. vegas" (CBS, Fridays, 10 PM): Rob Lowe and Joe Pantoliano star in a cut-rate ripoff of "Las Vegas." Lowe's the casino doctor, and Joey P is the bouncer.

"Father of the Pride" (NBC, Tuesdays, 9 PM): The CGI animated comedy about a family of lions who work in Siegfried and Roy's Vegas show. No word on if there will be any maulings.

And the few new shows I'm actually looking forward to:

"Lost" (ABC, Wednesdays, 8 PM): A group of survivors of a plane crash must make a new life for themselves on a desert island. From J.J. Abrams, wunderkind behind "Alias."

"The Practice: Fleet Street" (ABC, Sundays, 10 PM): Spader + Shatner = Gold.

"The Jury" (FOX, Tuesdays, 9 PM): Barry Levinson and Tom Fontana (creators of the brilliant "Homicide) take on a new style of crime drama--this one told from the point f view of the jury.

"Jack and Bobby" (The WB, Sundays, 9 PM): An eccentric single mother raises two boys, one of whom is destined to become President of the United States--the story is split between now and the future. From Greg Berlanti and Mickey Liddell ("Everwood"), political thriller author Brad Meltzer, and directing wunderkind Tommy Schlamme.

THANK YOU, DISILLUSIONMENT: An item I've been meaning to mention for a few weeks -- I think we've found one of the finalists in the 2004 competition for Best Political Column Invoking The Lyrics Of Alanis Morrisette. (Yes, I know you've been concerned about the lack of entries to-date.)

Former Oregon labor commissioner Jack Roberts' May 11 column in The Oregonian tackled once-beloved former Portland mayor Neal Goldschmidt, his recently revealed hidden "relationship" with a 14-year-old girl back in the 1970s (please, can we call it what it was -- child molestation?), and Morrisette's unfortunately ignored 2002 single, "Hands Clean". Somehow, he pulls it off. Good writing.