LIFE IS LIKE...: Why doesn't every box of assorted chocolates come with a map/glossary explaining which piece takes like what? When a man's looking for his nougat, it's damn frustrating to have to guess.

Just saying. Is all.

THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THE NSFW STUFF: As Alex pointed out earlier (with photos) Closer contains some spectacular shots of Natalie Portman (in a variety of well-designed wigs) in her underwear and taking off her underwear (nothing non Maxim suitable, though), but, fortunately, that's not all there is to like about the movie. Now, this is not a movie where there's much of a plot--the best summary would be to say "two men and two women in London fall into and out of bed with each other and argue." There's one clever character twist at the end (allegedly modified from the stage) which makes you rethink who's been "in charge" the entire time. Portman will get a well-deserved Oscar nomination for this, a role adult not merely in what she does (and doesn't) wear during the course of the film, but in terms of the emotion and gamesmanship involved. Clive Owen is a revelation, and would seem like a sure fire winner at the Oscars, were it not for Thomas Haden Church's bold reinvention of himself in Sideways. Roberts and Law are also good--Law playing his frequent cad character, and Roberts playing a character far far removed from her recent roles. This isn't a hooker with a heart of gold, or a brassy paralegal with a heart of gold, but a woman with a heart of ice and steel.

Two downers--the beautiful song "The Blower's Daughter" in the trailer and the film isn't Oscar-eligible because it's not original to the film, and I'm left wondering how on earth Mike Nichols will go from this well-made "downer" of a film to his next project--"Monty Python's Spamalot."

IT'S LIMA TIME, INDEED: How do (married) veteran baseball pitchers stay active during the long off-season?

Some, like Jose Lima, give the gift that keeps on giving, while others, like Denny Neagle, drive around in their Escalades and return with a Hummer.

Pitchers and catchers report in less than eighty days.

U2'S 'BOMB' RAINS FLAMING DOOM UPON HELPLESS BYSTANDERS; SCORES FLEE IN ABJECT TERROR: I just wanted to get in on the headline-writing fun.

FIVE FOR FRIDAY:

• Today's Times has an intriguing look back at how if not for the almost accidental actions of the essay's author, then a Columbia Records employee, Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone," recently annointed the title of greatest song of all-time by Rolling Stone, might have never been released as a single. (Yes, you have to register.)
  
• H&R Block isn't the only company cashing in on Ken Jennings' Final Jeopardy flameout this week. Today, FedEx ran a print ad featuring KenJen at the Jeopardy podium with the tag line "There?s only one time FedEx has ever been the wrong answer."
• Boondocks has the final word on the Ron Artest melee.
• Just finished A.J. Jacobs' very funny new work, The Know-It-All, in which Jacobs, an editor at Esquire, recounts his quest to read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica from a-ak to Zyweic. Ignore what the Times had to say about it and read it for yourself.
  
• She's no princess on a steeple, but there are NSFW shots of Queen Amidala on strip pole from this weekend's big release, "Closer," circulating out there if you're the kind of pervert who is in to looking at nekkid pictures of beautiful young starlets.

Have a good weekend!

WORK IT, GIRL: Maybe I'm the only one 'round these parts watching (though I doubt it), but Bravo's new "Project Runway," which might be called "The Apprentice" crossed with "America's Next Top Model," already looks like appointment TiVoing--I pick up the midnight EST airing so as not to interfere with "Law and Order." Unlike some folks, I've never gotten hooked on "Top Model," in part because I refuse to watch television that is led by a contestant named "Yaya," but this is good stuff. The contestants are sharp and funny to watch, and refreshingly diverse in age, race, gender, and sexual orientation. The challenge in the first episode (make a dress for a night out from $50 of materials bought at the local Gristede's) is smart, truly challenging, and generates some clever stuff. And Miss Heidi is on a par with Miss Tyra in terms of an easy on the eyes hostess. Worth checking out as Bravo reruns it an infinite number of times next week. Also, the incessant "Significant Others" promos are a reminder that that very funny improvromcom returns on Sunday night, so you've got something to watch while "Desperate Housewives" and "Boston Legal" are preempted by the sure-to-be-schmoopy "Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven."

BECAUSE "U2 CD IS NO. 1 ON CHARTS" LACKS ANY IMAGINATION:

AFP:"U2's 'Bomb' blows away competition in US"
USA Today: "U2's 'Atomic Bomb' blows its rivals away"
Reuters: "U2's 'Bomb' Explodes at No. 1 on U.S. Charts"
Houston Chronicle: "U2's 'Bomb' lays waste to competition in album sales"
E!: "U2 Bombs the Charts"
VH1: "U2's Atomic Bomb Explodes Onto Albums Chart, Taking #1 Spot"