BECAUSE GUYS WHO KNIT AREN'T EDGY: The San Francisco Chronicle reports from a class on fire-eating and includes some rather sensible advice:

"I studied with a fire performer who said a really good rule is, don't do more than one stupid thing at a time."

And if you need to load up on fire-eating supplies, start your shopping here.

DRINK. DRANK. DRUNK: All of us here at ALOTT5MA want you to have an enjoyable Oscar experience. But in a year where few surprises seem likely, it's the return of expected things that make the show a memorable experience.

So we passed around the collective hat for ideas, and Matt, Alex, Isaac, Phil, Kingley, P.E. and I hereby present The Unofficial 2005 Oscars Drinking Game. It's one drink per infraction, except as noted:

• Every Michael Moore and/or Mel Gibson reference.
• Every Brad/Jennifer/Angelina reference.
• Every poor schlub who, just as he is about to get his chance to say thank you after the first guy droned on for a minute, doesn't even get a second at the microphone before the band drowns him out.
• Every time someone mentions how wonderful The Movies are as an institution.
• Every male winner who thanks his wife for being "beautiful", rather than intelligent, loyal or supportive.
• Every person named during the Necrology who you forgot was dead.
• If booing is audible when Reagan's death is mentioned, chug, because we'll have two weeks of conservative complaints to endure.
• Every losing nominee who pretends to look happy as someone else goes up to the stage.
• Every actor you spot with odd facial hair he has obviously grown for a current movie role.
• Every time ABC promotes 'Desperate Housewives' in some way.
• Every time Chris Rock mentions a black person, and then they cut to a shot of the first black person they find in the audience.
• Chug if during or immediately after the Counting Crows performance, they cut to one of Adam Duritz's many ex-girlfriends.
• Chug when Chris Rock makes fun of any ABC programming.
• Every shot of or reference to the guys from Ernst & Young.
• The Mary Steenburgen Memorial Shot: Every presenter who's announced as a former Oscar nominee or winner and you can't remember for what.
• Every time there's an inexplicable cut to Jack Nicholson.
• Every shot of one of Rock's former SNL castmates, but drink everything in the entire neighborhood if they show Rob Schneider.
• Drink if you can't figure out a damn thing Prince says when presenting an award.
• Chug if Rock brings up Pootie Tang.

Your amendments and additions are, of course, welcome.

NOT COMING SOON TO A THEATRE ANYWHERE: You have discovered Query Letters I Love, right? As a person who has, on a few occaisions, attempted to take a crack at writing a screenplay or a novel, reading the ideas here makes me feel much better about myself--I mean, I can't imagine what leads you to come up with an idea like: "A neurotic in 1880s Russia tries to deal with his inferiority complex by challenging a hated classmate to a duel and playing mind-games with a sweet young whore." Then again the pitch, "Unhappily-engaged-to-the-wrong man LUCY has a bad day at the diner then scurries down the icy street carrying Christmas packages, before losing her footing and banging her head--hard--against the curb. Meanwhile, little CARMELA asks Santa for a new mommy, and her single, lonely dad WILLIAM is sorry he can't deliver... Yet, when they awaken on Christmas morning, the Kinkaids find Lucy on their sofa" could actually be an ABC Family movie, which would air immediately after "3 Days,"a movie which my sister inexplicably loves.

9021-OH MY GOD: Somebody please get Tori Spelling over to the Peach Pit for a malt and fries right away.

STUPID IS...: Not to insult the typical Blockbuster customer, but in a survey of the movie-rental giants customers in which they were asked to pick their All-Time Favorite Past Academy Award Winners, Forrest Gump himself, Tom Hanks, was the top choice in the acting category, beating out Marlon Brando in The Godfather 32% to 17%. Other winners were Gone With the Wind (26%) over The Godfather and Titanic (both 15%) and Katherine Hepburn in Guess Who's Coming To Dinner (25%) over Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs (21%).

As for the Blockbuster patrons predictions for this year's awards, they like The Aviator (37%) narrowly over Ray (?!? 34%), Jamie Foxx (47%) beating Leo blind (24%), and Hillary Swank knocking out Annette Bening (55% to 18%).

NOT SO GREAT SCOT: Mel Gibson's Braveheart has been named the Worst Best Picture Winner by the British magazine Empire, beeating out my pick for the honor, if I had a vote, A Beautiful Mind. Others on the top 10 list include Forrest Gump, Ordinary People, and How Green Was My Valley, which beat out a little film named Citizen Kane in 1942.

'ROID SAGE: Jose Canseco's Juiced will debut this weekend atop the The New York Times hardcover nonfiction best-seller list, bumping Malcom Gladwell's Blink from the top spot. In many ways, Gladwell's book, which speaks to the power if first impressions, validates Canseco's book's success, because I can't, for one, imagine how any one who thinks about what they are doring for a moment would still end up with Canseco's book in their Amazon shopping cart.

Meanwhile, if you really need to read a baseball book, you should consider picking up a copy of Will Wagner's Wrigley Blues. Will, a friend and former boss, chronicles the Cubs' 2004 season, which began with so much promise and ended with the team tanking, numerous injuries, infighting between the players and broadcasters, and a host of other "only in Cubdom"-type events.