LIVE LONG AND BREATHE A LITTLE EASIER: It turns out that not every child molester and sexual predator is also a Trekkie, as The L.A. Times misreported this week. Ernest Miller at the Corante blog actually picked up the phone, did a little reporting and discovered that while The Times article claimed "All but one of the offenders [the Toronto Sex Crimes Unit] have arrested in the last four years was a hard-core Trekkie," which would mean that 99 out of 100 pedophiles can speak Klingon, the truth is that the detective can only claim a majority of pedophiles he's caught have shown "at least a passing interest in Star Trek, if not a strong interest." Still not the greatest feeling for you Trekkies, I'm guessing.

The Times is now a Tribune Company paper, but the Trekkie controversy isn't the only trouble the company's papers have been having this week.

DON'T FORGET YOUR TOWEL: So, is the long-awaited movie version of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy any good? Yeah. There are moments of both wonder (a fly-by sequence over "Earth Mark II"), Adams' droll humor (most of the "Guide" segments, which are animated in "international symbol" style), and reckless surrealism (an opening Broadway-esque number titled "So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish!"). But there are two big problems--both of which stem from the source material. First, there's really no conflict in the movie. Yes, there's an evil galactic leader (John Malkovich, in a performance that could easily be an unbilled cameo), and galactic president Zaphod Beeblebrox comes off as, well, kind of a dick, but neither are present enough as villains to drive the movie forward. Things happen, but they don't move a plot forward--they just meander. Second is where the humor comes from. Sure, the characters are ridiculous, but most of the humor in the book and in the movie stems from exposition. And most of that, by nature of the movie, has to go. Things are abridged (the "Deep Thought" storyline) only vaguely hinted at (the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster), or even deleted all together (the lengthy digital watches monologue, how the Babel Fish disproves the existence of God).

That said, the movie's still funny, and I'm interested in seeing how the movie's received by those who weren't fans of the various Hitchhiker mythos before the movie. However, for me, I think the radio and book versions have this one beat, despite some wonderful visual moments.

IT WAS PRETENDING TO BE OREGANO: Honestly, how can you not want to read a case titled United States vs. 328 Pounds, More or Less, of Wild American Ginseng, 347 F.Supp.2d 241 (W.D.N.C. 2004) in which "an order and warrant were issued for the arrest of ginseng?"

LIKE A RHINESTONE COWBOY: Unlike Adam, I watched The Apprentice rather than Survivor last night, and witnessed perhaps the most ridiculous moment of Trumpiness ever--more ridiculous than the time he fired two people because he felt like it, more ridiculous than the "Stacie J. is insane" incident, and yes, even more ridiculous than the "Trump comforts the firee" moment from a few weeks ago. Net Worth project manager Tana decided that the best technique for selling T-Shirts was not to construct a clever marketing strategy or a clever design, but instead (and I'm not making this up), to go to Staten Island in search of a BeDazzler to stick rhinestones on the shirts. As Miss Alli points out, this assumes that "Manhattan is out of rhinestones," which she, and I, find difficult to believe.

But that's not where it becomes truly ludicrous. Needless to say, this strategy fails, when the other team constructs a coherent marketing strategy and Tana decides to spend the day gluing rhinestones onto t-shirts rather than doing something to create sales volume. So, Tana and Alex head to the Boardroom. In my view, this is an easy call. One thought it would be a good idea to go to Staten Island in search of a BeDazzler. The other said that they should instead try to create a marketing strategy. So who's fired? Of course, it's Alex. Trump, I know you dig the gaudy, but being obsessed with the BeDazzler? Not OK.

Interestingly, for all the criticism of Trump as sexist or racist, this season's winner will either be a woman or an African-American, who are the only people left standing.

DOES THIS BRING US TO 45 PERCENT? Our good friend Charlie Glassenberg reminds us that today, April 29, is the third annual Lee Elia Day on ALOTT5MA, the day upon which we must celebrate and commemorate the greatest post-game press conference rant in professional sports history (yes, better than We Talkin' Bout Practice?), which took place on this date in 1983.

The setting is Wrigley Field. The Cubs just lost to the Dodgers 4-3 on a Lee Smith wild pitch before a recorded crowd of 9391, placing them last in the National League's East Division at 5-14. Cubs manager Lee Elia steps to the microphone:

[ ] those [ ] fans who come out here and say they're Cub fans that are supposed to be behind you rippin' every [ ] thing you do. I'll tell you one [ ] thing, I hope we get [ ] hotter than [ ], just to stuff it up them 3,000 [ ] people that show up every [ ] day, because if they're the real Chicago [ ] fans, they can kiss my [ ] ass right downtown and PRINT IT.

For the full, unexpurgated rant, complete with audio, follow the link.

POOR, PREDICTABLE BART. ALWAYS TAKES ROCK: Never before in RPS history has so much money rested on one extension of the hand:

Takashi Hashiyama, president of Maspro Denkoh Corporation, an electronics company based outside of Nagoya, Japan, could not decide whether Christie's or Sotheby's should sell the company's art collection, which is worth more than $20 million, at next week's auctions in New York.

He did not split the collection - which includes an important Cézanne landscape, an early Picasso street scene and a rare van Gogh view from the artist's Paris apartment - between the two houses, as sometimes happens. Nor did he decide to abandon the auction process and sell the paintings through a private dealer.

Instead, he resorted to an ancient method of decision-making that has been time-tested on playgrounds around the world: rock breaks scissors, scissors cuts paper, paper smothers rock.

In Japan, resorting to such games of chance is not unusual. "I sometimes use such methods when I cannot make a decision," Mr. Hashiyama said in a telephone interview. "As both companies were equally good and I just could not choose one, I asked them to please decide between themselves and suggested to use such methods as rock, paper, scissors."

How did the auction houses prepare? Who won? Are eleven-year-olds worth relying on? Did anyone throw Spock?

Keep reading.

CONTINUITY THEATER: Okay, so I haven't watched ER in months, but if you thought that having the helicopter come back to take out the rest of Dr. Romano was the television equivalent of the alligator coming back for the rest of Captain Hook, then what do we make of Dr. Carter's exit arc being initiated by that old guy played by Red Buttons who kept whining to Carter when he terminally ill wife never got better? Seriously, Ruby first appeared on December 14, 1995, so this is kinda cool.

And to top that, the post-episode Hallmark ad featured the late Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole's ukelele cover of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", better known to most of us as Mark Greene's Death Music.

Now if only we could find out who beat the crap out of Mark in the bathroom, what happened to Clooney's one-mentioned son, Pratt's brother, Bob, Dr. Hicks . . .