BIG ARISTOTLE UPDATE: Call him the ShaqMaster -- my favorite non-Sixer just earned his MBA.

BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED: The biggest problem with Bewitched is not in the cast (uniformly, they do they best that they can with the material that they're given, especially a supporting cast that includes Heather Burns, Kristin Chenoweth, and Katie Finneran, all immensely skilled comic actresses), but with the fact that they're trying to make three films at once, with none of those films being given enough attention. The first (and least interesting) is a conventional Nora Ephron romantic comedy with the complication being not that the boy and girl are geographically removed or that the boy and girl are business rivals but that the girl is a witch. The second is a "Will Ferrell acts wacky" comedy, which you see glimmers of during an extended scene when Ferrell's character can't get his lines right. The final (and most interesting) is a meta-tastic film about Hollywood making Bewitched. If only they'd gone whole hog with that angle--casting not Will Ferrell as a "fake" fading movie star, but instead casting Ben Affleck as "Ben Affleck, faded movie star" and giving us a vicious Hollywood satire, we would have had a good movie. To be fair, not every meta-portion of the movie works (in particular, an inexplicable bit involving Steve Carrell playing Paul Lynde playing "Uncle Arthur" from Bewitched, but it's the meta that makes the movie interesting--I wish there were more of it.

DO YOU KNOW NOW THAT RITALIN IS A STREET DRUG? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? With yesterday's interview with Matt Lauer, Tom Cruise has now crossed over into the zone where I'd like to see them do one of those Daily Show reenactments where kids read the transcripts of outrageous pundit banter.

Friends don't let friends dump their publicists.

THEY DIDN'T SNUB GIAMATTI THIS TIME: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences invited 112 new members today, from the overdue (Stellan Skarsgard) to the premature (Will Ferrell) to the somewhat surprising (Jennifer Coolidge). And, yes, despite his Sideways snub, Paul Giamatti gets invited to membership. Other folks on the list? Devo/Wes Anderson composer Mark Mothersbaugh, Hitch director Andy Tennant, Scott Mosier, Kevin Smith's producer, and the screenwriters of Million Dollar Baby, Hotel Rwanda, Finding Neverland, The Motorcycle Diaries, and School of Rock. My pick for most bizarre invite? Scribe David N. Weiss--is the man who brought us Are We There Yet? and All Dogs Go To Heaven any more qualified to vote for Oscars than you or I?

THE ONLY SHOW YOU'LL EVER SEE IN WHICH THE WORD "SYZYGY" APPEARS MORE THAN FIVE TIMES: I finally got around to seeing The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee last week. Thinking about it uncritically, the show is a lot of fun, and parts of it are hysterical. In particular, the fun poked at the types of sentences provided to spellers at spelling bees is a hoot. (A couple of examples: "Billy, put down that phylactery -- we're Episcopalian." "Sally's mother told her that it was her cystitis that made her special.") There is a great bit involving an appearance by a certain member of the Trinity as well as a song entitled "My Unfortunate Erection," which made all of the eight-year-olds and eight-year-olds-at-heart howl with laughter. I enjoyed it. I really did.

Ultimately, though, Spelling Bee felt like an Off-Broadway show. Which is, of course, what it is -- or at least what it was. But when you're plunking down the now-de-rigeur hundred bucks for the privilege of seeing a bunch of people sing on a stage for 90 minutes, you kind of expect something a little more transporting. The epically brilliant Urinetown was at core a Broadway musical. As was the somewhat-less-brilliant-but-still-pretty-damned-impressive Avenue Q. Each of them started out as funky little shows in funky little theatres, but by the time they made it to the Great White Way, they'd matured into something more. Spelling Bee never quite gets there. It feels like a show that stemmed from a bunch of people noodling around in a black box improv studio. And that, enjoyable though it may be, isn't what a Broadway musical is supposed to feel like.

TIPPING 20% ON THE FIRST DATE, HOWEVER, GETS YOU SOME LOVIN' EVERY TIME: First things first. The makeover results on this week's Social Experiment Brought to You by Ashton Kutcher were actually fairly impressive, with the notable but unsurprising exception of Richard. Madeover Richard = Pre-Madeover Richard. But in jeans. And with a slightly mowed 'fro. Obviously Mindi didn't have a lot to work with, but come on. You can do better than a button-down in the so-very-1995 French Blue. Yaaawn.

Shawn and Chuck both looked pleasantly improved, but the big winner of the night was definitely Bill, who turns out to be affirmatively good-looking. Especially when you saw him without that "VP of the Dukes of Hazzard Fan Club" caption. Who knew? Even Mr. Cosmopolitan thought he looked kinda cute.

To the extent that the point of the phone number challenge was supposed to be to use the newly minted suaveosity to coax women into handing over their digits, Chuck's "I am gay and thus harmless" was a screaming failure. Yes, he won the challenge and all that, but to the extent that this episode of Beauty and the Geek teaches clueless men that masquerading as a gay screenwriter is a surefire means of finding love -- well, there's gonna be a whole lot of geeky guys with hastily applied chunky blonde highlights proclaiming homosexuality to the world.

NASCAR DADS TO SCHEDULE RALLY AGAINST "ACTIVIST JUDGES": Semi-random email recieved this morning alleges that the anticipated release of the Dukes of Hazzard Movie will be delayed by an injunction issued out of the Central District of California. Apparently the new flic is too too similar to the based-on-a-true-story basis for the original Dukes series.

Quoth the forwarded (plausible-looking but not independently verified) docket sheet:

06/17/2005 56 ORDER by Judge Gary A. Feess : granting [41] Motion for Preliminary Injunction. WHEREFORE, IT IS HEREBY ORDERED, that in accordance with Rule 65 of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, Warner Bros. and its officers, directors,representatives, employees, agents and all person acting in concert with it are preliminarily enjoined during the pendencey of this action from preparing producing, editing, distributing, advertising, exploiting, copying, publishing, or licensing, for theatrical sequels based on or derived from the feature motion picture entitled "Moonrunners." Warner Bros, shall within 10 days of the date of entry of this preliminary injunction, provide a copy of this Preliminary injunction order to all of their respective officers, directors, agents, management level employees, distributors, respresentative and partners. This Preliminary injunction shall take effect immediately upon plaintiff Moonrunners Limited Partnership filing with the court an injunction bond in the amount of $5,000,00 which the court finds reasonable and appropriated under the facts and the law. (yc, ) (Entered: 06/21/2005)

If true, and if the plaintiff prevails, one might wonder how CBS managed to omit the industry standard "in perpetuity throughout the universe" clause from their original purchase of the 1975 Moonrunners franchise.

More importantly for American Justice, however, we might wonder how Judge Feess will weather the inevitable storm of criticism now that his skepticism about Jessica Simpson's hottness is a matter of public record. To wit:

06/17/2005 58 MEMORANDUM RE: PLAINTIFFS' MOTION FOR PRELIMINARY INJUNCTION by Judge Gary A. Feess The court HEREBY fixes bond in the amount of $5 million for payment of such costs and damages as may be incurred of suffered if defendants are found to have been wrongfully enjoined. Of course defendants estimate their losses to be significantly higher. However, their numbers are based on their own internal estimates of the film's potential profits, which are in turn based on difficult to quantify perceptions such as the "fact" that "Jessica Simpson is extremely "hot right now" and the belief that the film will be stigmatized [if] its release date slips. The court finds the amount reasonable and appropriate under the circumstances. (yc, ) (Entered: 06/21/2005)

Insert joke about in camera inspection of proffered evidence (*here*).