THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE THIS MOVIE WOULD BE TO TRIM 86 MINUTES: Inspired by the release of Rob Schneider's new opus (and, seriously, of all the former SNLers to have a successful movie career, why him?), Roger Ebert collects some of his favorite bile of the past, much of which will be familiar to any reader of this site for whom "Hated hated hated hated HATED this movie" is an oft-used catchphase. I still love this one regarding the ending of Night Shyamalan's The Village:

To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore.

THE BIG SHOWSTOPPER OF ACT II WILL BE "MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA:" Playbill confirms that when I speculated in June, I was, for once, right. Tony winning composer Adam Guettel's next project will be a collaboration with William Goldman to adapt Goldman's classic book and film The Princess Bride into a Broadway musical. No word on if Mandy Patinkin will return as Inigo. Casting suggestions are invited along with other general exultation.

YOU COWARDLY BASTARD, YOU'RE NOT THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE, I AM THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE! THE PEOPLE SPEAK THROUGH ME NOT YOU!: Christopher Walken has a vision for the future of the Presidency. This time, however, it doesn't involve Martin Sheen saying, "The Missiles are flying. Hallileuah, Hallileuah!"

WHITHER THE CAPITAL CITY GOOFBALL? No, wait, this is the funniest thing you'll see all week -- a list analogizing every Major League Baseball team to a different Simpsons character. A sampling:

Toronto Blue Jays - Bumblebee Man - Comic relief from the other side of the border. Inexplicably, they tend to get a lot of success out of recycled material (sight gags, Shea Hillenbrand) that wouldn't work anywhere else.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays - Hans Moleman - Whenever they're on TV, you can virtually guarantee that they're hopelessly overmatched and that something bad is going to happen to them. You could start feeling bad for them, but then you remember that you don't care.

Cincinnati Reds - Principal Seymour Skinner - Spent much of their existence under the hand of a domineering, insane woman who was impossible to please (Agnes Skinner, Marge Schott). Possessors of a dirty little secret that they would rather sweep under the rug (Skinner's true identity of Armand Tamzarian, Pete Rose). Their lives were given meaning in the '70s (Vietnam, the Big Red Machine) but now all they have to escape the monotony of their everyday existence is the flashbacks.

San Diego Padres - Dr. Julius Hibbert - Sported a parade of laughable fashions in the past. A little shaky at what they do, but they look stellar given the alternatives in the region (Dr. Nick, the rest of the NL West). Bizarre tendency to lose their composure at inappropriate moments.

They're all pretty brilliant, but the Cleveland Indians one may be my favorite of those not listed above.

FLOTSAM & JETSAM FROM THE MUDDY BANKS OF THE SCHUYLKILL: I'm finishing up a project in the office tonight, but felt like checking out some of the less-frequently-followed links down the left side there.

So, via the Panopticist, this classic April 1992 Sassy cover with Kurt n' Courtney in lurrrrve. And via Something Awful, the Cliff Notes to R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet".

Dinosaur Jr's "Start Choppin'" just came on the radio, preceded by My Bloody Valentine's "Only Shallow" a few songs before. Life could be a lot worse.

NAME A DEAD PERSON, ANY DEAD PERSON: Quick, picture the most famous dead celebrity you can think of. Got it?

Who'd you pick? Elvis? Marilyn? James Dean? John Lennon? Kurt Cobain? Kate Hepburn? Audrey Hepburn? Sinatra? Bogie? Judy Garland? How about Red Skelton?

Skelton, according to a list of the top dead stars, is the fifth-most recognizable celeb in the great beyond. Those ten names I mentioned before? Apparently their Q score ranks below that of Lucille Ball, John Wayne, Bob Hope, and Jimmy Stewart, who rank Nos. 1-4. In fact, none of those iconic figures made the top 10, edged out by the likes of Michael Landon, Johnny Carson, John Ritter, Jackie Gleason, and Charles Schultz.

Tellingly, "coming in last on the list was diet guru Dr. Robert Atkins, who died in 2003. Tupac Shakur and Johnnie Cochran also ranked towards the bottom." and "the national survey was conducted by mail questionnaire." Still, though, Red Skelton? Really?

HIS FINEST HOUR: The New York Observer recalls Peter Jennings' marathon work on September 11-12, 2001.