MORE THAN JUST AMERICA'S OLDEST TEENAGER: And we have a late-breaking entry into the Best TV Moment of 2005 race (prior nominees include the "reveal" in House: Three Stories, the chair slamming through the glass in Without A Trace: Malone v. Malone, the gasp-inducing elimination of Austin Scarlett on Project Runway, and the Tyrade on ANTM)--Dick Clark's genuinely touching, slightly slurred, return to the airwaves during New Years' Rockin' Eve. Especially in comparison to the peppy and vaguely robotic Seacreast/Duff combo, Clark's presence and genuinely moving remarks are up there.

New Year's Rockin' Eve also gives us the 2005 Award for Most Unfortunate Juxtaposition in a TV Promo. During an ad for the new ABC Monday night lineup, we get the following unfortunate statement: "The romance is back, Monday January 9, 9/8 Central, after an all-new 'Wife Swap.'" (Second worst unfortunate coincidence on the weekend behind NY Times Magazine editor Daphne Merkin's piece in this week's Magazine--what's next--John Toupay on scalp care?)

CARTMAN'S SIDE IS RIGHT, FOR THE WRONG REASONS. BUT WE'RE WRONG, FOR THE RIGHT REASONS: I'm calling for nominations for the ALOTT5MA Award for Funniest Half-Hour Of Television Of The Year. I believe last year's award went to the The Daily Show's coverage of night two of the Democratic National Convention, an episode full of biting, timely political humor.

As did my nominee for 2005: South Park episode 904, "Best Friends Forever", which first aired March 30, 2005, the night before Terry Schiavo died. Achingly funny, and given the limitations of animation, ridiculously timely.

So go ahead, nominate your Arrested Development and the like. But I plant my flag in Colorado.

WE WERE WAITING, ANTICIPATING: So where exactly does The Producers: The Movie Musical of the Musical of The Movie go so badly, badly wrong? I have a few suggestions:

• Susan Stroman, in spite of her general talents as a stage director, is simply not a movie director. Her camera almost never moves during the film. Static shot is followed by static shot, and often, the edits are fairly bloody--you can see the cuts. For instance, rather than pulling back to expose the panorama of Little Old Ladies following Bialystock around, we get a close-up on Bialystock running, followed by a cut to the broader shot. It just doesn't work.
• The stage musical is full of meta-theatrical jokes, all of which have been excised with no attempt to replace them with movie in-jokes or other jokes. The absence might not be so great to a viewer who wasn't familiar with the show.
• At the same time, stuff that worked on stage is translated too literally. Particularly painful is Leo and Ulla's coupling behind the couch, which works on stage as a stage moment, but absolutely does not in the film. A joke that hits big on stage (Roger De Bris' dress) misses completely, but there's still the beat for the expected laughter, which turns into a painful silence. Also, the entire film feels like it was shot on sets. Hell, probably half of it feels like it was shot on the stage of the St. James Theatre. Sure, there's some opening up, but that opening up doesn't help, especially in "Along Came Bialy."
• Part of the joy of many of the musical numbers in the stage show is that there's something going on everywhere on stage. Stroman and her cinematographer have chosen to shoot many of the musical numbers in close-up on individual performers, losing that.

That said, the movie's not a complete loss. Will Ferrell in particular is great, and "I Want To Be A Producer" is successfully (and excellently) opened up, at least at the beginning. Make sure to stay all the way to the end of the credits, though, even though the new "There's Nothing Like A Show On Broadway" song is bland, so you can hear Ferrell's power ballad rendition of "Guten Tag Hop Clop" and a closing farewell taken from the show. I'd be interested to see how people unfamiliar with the Broadway show and/or Broderick and Lane's theatrical performance view the movie, but somehow, I expect there won't be a whole lot of those people viewing the film.

OKAY, JESUS, COME OUT OF THE CLOSET: Okay, if I can laugh at the South Park episode about Scientology, I had better be prepared to laugh at this.

Sure, I'll burn a few hundred extra years in purgatory for downloading this on P2P, but what the hell. Fair's fair.

WHEN WILL THIS STRONG YEARNING END? For those of you who have been wondering when you'll get to gaze upon the glorious Princeton-educated visage of Wentworth Miller anew -- wonder no more. FOX has announced that Michael, Lincoln, T-Bag, Sucre, Westmoreland, and the rest of the Prison Break family will be returning on March 20. That's less than three months of wondering which part of Michael's anatomy contains the tattoo of the backup escape plan.

NEW YORK IS THE BIGGEST, MOST SPECTACULAR STATE IN ALLA THE WORLD: Today's hot political rumor? Donald Trump running for governor of New York. No, seriously. Suggest your campaign slogans for the Donald's inevitably doomed campaign.

PRESENTED BY PRIOR WINNERS THIRD EYE BLIND AND DOGS EYE VIEW: It's time for an ALOTT5MA award that I must enlist your assistance on determining all the potential nominees, much less a winner. The category is Most Inane Lyrics In A Hit Pop Song. My proposed nominees thus far are:

• Gwen Stefani, Hollaback Girl
• Black Eyed Peas, My Humps
• The Pussycat Dolls, Dontcha
• Rihanna, Pon De Replay
• Daddy Yankee, Gasolina

Note that this category is not for songs that have inane lyrics that actually wind up sounding kind of profound, either because of delivery or wonderful musical work--leaders in that sub-category would be Anna Nalick's Breathe (2 AM) and Natasha Bedingfield's These Words (I Love You, I Love You, I Love You)--but is instead designed for inane lyrics which revel in their inanity. (And, yes, Gwen Stefani's entire album is arguably enough to fill the category.)