NARF-CISSISM: Notwithstanding all the negative reviews and such, I did check out Lady In The Water tonight, and, man, I don't know when I last saw a cinematic act of such a level of onanism. What makes it all the sadder? There's a nice little "fairy tale/bedtime story" at the core of the film--the whole "narf is a messenger" storyline is actually nice, and the mythos is generally well thought out--in fact, with the exception of the embarassing Paul Giamatti "tell me a story!" scene, the throughline of the story is actually OK. Two problems, though, kill the movie:

• The part Shyamalan has chosen to cast himself in. Shyamalan's actually fine in it, especially given that there's an opportunity for the character to be relentlessly overacted and overdone--he resists that. However, by casting himself in the role, he's made the movie "about him." As Adam pointed out, this decision is on the level of Mel Gibson deciding to cast himself as Jesus. It's a killer.
• Just as significantly, the "villain" of the piece is (I'm not making this up) a movie critic who "doesn't understand the message!" Of course, this is made worse by the fact that the character is given supposedly witty things to say and comment on the action, turning it into an utter mess of commentary on commentary on commentary. My head hurts.

What's ironic is that the excerpts I've read from Michael Bamberger's book on the making of the movie all indicate that had Shyamalan listened to the folks at Disney, he would have had a much better movie. Sadly for all of us, he didn't.

I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH DONAL LOGUE LOVES SNAUSAGES AGAIN: Memo to VH1--please provide accurate program information to the fine folks at TiVo/TV Guide. I would like to watch the entirety of episodes of World Series of Pop Culture and Best Week Ever, not "all but the last 5 minutes of the episode." (Sci-Fi needs a similar smack upside the head from time to time.)

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW: So Tina Fey is done with SNL, it seems. Given how bad "Weekend Update With Amy Poehler and Horatio Sanz" was early this season, seems Update will need a substantial reboot. Let's assume for the moment that Update still has a place in which snarky news humor can be grabbed on a nightly basis (and news humor written better than Update has been in years). Best proposal I can come up with for a new Update team from the current cast? Poehler and Andy Samberg, making an effort to recapture the Fey/Fallon smart girl/frat boy dynamic.

RIDE AROUND ON MY BICYCLE LIKE A PONY: How cool is American cyclist Floyd Landis? I asked Bill from SoQuoted to explain:

On Thursday, Floyd Landis rode into the cycling history books with what many say is one of the greatest single day rides, ever. Counted out just the day before, he is once again expected to win the Tour de France. Combined with his total collapse on Wednesday, I think this could rate as one of the most epic performances in any sport. Rather than try to explain how Floyd's ride compares to Lemond or Merckx or a handful of others most of us have never heard of, I'll compare to a few other sports.

I came up with a few other epic performances under pressure. What Landis did beats most, if not all, of these. Any others to add to the list?

Listed in no particular order and with the admission I was a Twins fan and no World Series is better than 1991.

• Don Larsen's perfect World Series game
• Tiger Woods' 1997 Masters. Set or tied 25 Master's records
• Magic Johnson, game 6, 1980 finals: 42 points, 15 rebounds, 7 assists, 3 steals
• Kirby Puckett, 1991 World Series, game 6. Game-winning home run, single, triple, sacrifice fly, stole a base, scored a run, robbed Ron Gant of an extra base hit.
• Jack Morris, 1991 World Series, game 7, Ten shutout innings.
• Michael Jordan "flu game." 1997 championship against Utah. Suffering from a stomach virus, scored 38 points.
• 1980 Wimblebon final - Borg and McEnroe.

For what it's worth, I've always been partial to Pete Sampras' quarterfinals win over Alex Correjta at the 1996 US Open.

Commenting on today's time trials is more than welcome.

IF I WAS A BLOGGER, BUT THEN AGAIN NO...: The Boston Phoenix lists the 32 worst song lyrics of all time and while there are plenty of worthy ones listed, I think the ALOTT5MA community can waste the weekend coming up with some good bad ones to add to the ranks.

Besides the Elton John line referenced above, which has driven my friend Ron crazy for years, I'd like to add Bono's belt of "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you" from "Do They Know It's Christmas" (maybe that's why he works so tirelessly on behalf of Third-World causes today) and Lita Ford's lazy refrain from "Kiss Me Deadly," "I went to a party last Saturday night/I told you that story, it'd be alright."

Add your bad lyrics in the comments. (Link via Popwatch.)

PLENTY OF TIME TO DRIVE BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN SCRANTON AND STAMFORD: The good news, folks? Two short months from today, we get to find out what has been of Jim and Pam (not to mention Michael and Dwight), as new episodes of The Office return September 21. NBC's Schedule for premieres apart from that is generally unsurprising--Studio 60 is the first show to debut (on September 18), while Friday Night Lights, 20 Good Years, and 30 Rock get delayed starts in October (perhaps lending credence to rumors that 30 Rock is being massively retooled).

UNLIKELY CELEBRITY FEUD OF THE WEEK MONTH YEAR DECADE: Walter Becker and Donald Fagen, better known as Steely Dan are upset with Owen Wilson for co-opting the character of Dupree from his new film "You, Me, and Dupree" from their 2001 single "Cousin Dupree."

Read the duo's open appeal to Owen's brother, Luke, who appears to have bigger problems with his own acting career to deal with, here.

And if you think Becker and Fagen are upset with Owen now, wait until they hear about the Butterscotch Stallion's next film, a romantic comedy in which he plays Ricky, an absent-minded accountant who one night meets the girl of his dreams (Cameron Diaz), but loses her phone number. High jinx ensue as Ricky, aided by his sad sack best friend Deacon (Ben Stiller), who himself is hope;lessly in love with a foreign movie buff named Peg (Maggie Gyllenhal), goes to great lengths to find that number.