DANCE 10, LOOKS 3: Unsurprisingly, the fine folks at the Parents Television Council have taken umbrage at the "vulgar and obscene" language used by Helen Mirren and Calista Flockhart at the Emmys on Sunday night. Apparently, they're so deeply and abidingly offended that they managed to transpose the phrase from what was actually said. I'll certainly agree that there are some things that network television ought not to show in prime time, but Helen Mirren saying "ass over tit" would not even come close to making that list.

HE'S GOTTA BE SURE, AND IT'S GOTTA BE SOON, AND HE'S GOTTA BE LARGER THAN LIFE: The WaPo's Stephen Hunter wants to know what happened to old-school movie action heroes. On John Wayne's role in The Searchers, he notes:

He had something else as well, and it's the missing ingredient from today's movies: He knew it was all right to be hated. Hollywood historian David Thomson once called Wayne "the crown prince of difficult men." The stars of his generation knew that the price of heroism, of domination, of certitude, of command, was loneliness -- or possibly, since they were so disconnected from their emotions they'd never acknowledge such a thing -- aloneness.

Look at Gregory Peck in, say, "Twelve O'Clock High" or Clark Gable in "Command Decision," two movies of leadership agonistes set against the strategic bombing missions of World War II. In both cases -- you could add dozens more -- they were men who made decisions that cost other men their lives; they were hated, even loathed; they lived and drank alone. Their courage wasn't physical, it was almost metaphysical. They had the strength within themselves to ignore (though not really; underneath it cut bad) the will of the consensus and pleadings for such shady attributes as "compassion" and "humanity." They knew the job came first.

That certitude had vanished from many places, but nowhere more vividly than the top of the guy star pile in Hollywood. . . .

Today's stars need love. They don't want to be feared, they want to be hugged. They want to be told, "It's okay, big fella." They don't want to shoot anyone, if possible; they certainly won't beat a confession out of a suspect or verbally rip the head off a kid who's new to the unit and trying hard. Their anger is well managed. They never get even, they don't punish, they see the folly of vengeance, they inflict pain only on special occasions.

Or as Tony Soprano once said, "Nowadays, everybody's got to go to shrinks and counselors and go on Sally Jesse Raphael and talk about their problems. Whatever happened to Gary Cooper, the strong silent type? That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings was that they wouldn't be able to shut him up and then it's dysfunction this and dysfunction that and dysfunction va fa culo!"

SWING YOUR RAZOR HIGH, SWEENEY: I'm very late to the party on this one, but those of you in the NYC area who are musical theatre fans owe it to yourselves to see one of the final four performances of John Doyle's revival of Sweeney Todd before it closes on Sunday. A great musical (by all accounts) to begin with, with a daring and successful revival concept attached (not just the "actors are the orchestra" concept, but I believe the larger concept of the show--namely, that it's a hallucination of an inmate in an asylum--is new). How LuPone (who manages to make totiing a tuba around alluring and sexual), Cerveris, and Manoel Felciano didn't win Tonys escapes me (though I haven't seen Jersey Boys or Color Purple yet). I will admit that as someone who'd never seen a full production of Sweeney before, I probably didn't get as much out of it as I could have, but it's still an astounding night at the theatre. See it, and if you miss it, make an effort to see the director's next production--Company using the "actors as musicians" concept.

A KISS STILL WON'T HELP YOU HERE: For those of you who've always wondered whatever happened to Horn & Hardart, or have just wondered "why can't I get a cheeseburger from a hot pink vending machine?," we have an answer. BAMN! is now open in Manhattan, and you can get everything from hot dogs to Spam Musubi out of a vending machine.

YOU TUBE KILLED THE VMA STAR: You Tube has proved to be an even better time-saver than Tivo when it comes to awards shows, as you know all the best bits will be uploaded within hours. Until this year's MTV Video Awards highlights are posted, enjoy this look back at the Five Most Absurd VMA Moments Ever.

SAY GOODBYE TO THESE! In the category of "Momentarily Restoring My Faith In Humanity," I've been to two very different stores this week (Target in Brooklyn and Best Buy in Chelsea), and at both places Arrested Development: Season 3 was completely sold out. I hope this is a good sign for the rumored movie. (Also, Target has House: Season 1 for $29.99 this week, which is a worthy addition at that price to anyone's library.)

THE PERFECT STORM OF CAFFEINE AND GENETICS: Can we all agree that Lauren Graham (playing "Lauren Graham") + Sorkinese = Crazy Delicious? She'll be guest starring as herself in a two episode arc of Studio 60, starting with episode 4.