AN ANNUAL FEATURE: I don't mind losing to another good football team on the road, but I mind losing like this. So, while this city foolishly builds one more tower higher than William Penn's head, we turn once more to the Five Stages of Eagles Grief:

DENIAL: Hey, we won a lot of fun games this year, and we still have the Sixers to look forward to. Oh, wait. Well, the Flyers . . . no . . . okay . . . um . . . . well, all we have to do is convert this fourth and fifteen, while we still have the ball, and, um . . .

BARGAINING: So, we learned that we can win without Donovan, but apparently, not without Shawn Andrews at right guard. Keep him healthy, and, of course, keep Correll Buckhalter healthy for another sixteen games next year, and, really, I'm only asking for one title. (And a Democratic president on 1-20-09.) We're not New England fans here.

ANGER: WHY ARE YOU PUNTING? WHY ARE YOU PUNTING? Did they think they could stop the Saints running game? Andy, they couldn't stop Deuce McAllister all night long. WHY ARE YOU PUNTING?

DESPAIR: Let's review. The last Eagles title was during the Eisenhower administration. The Phillies have won fewer World Series in their 120-year history (1) than the Florida Marlins in fourteen years of existence (2). The last time a Philadelphia team won a title, the 1982-83 76ers, it was so long ago that Cheers was in its first season. How long ago? I go back to this: when the Sixers won the title, no one in Philadelphia yet knew that Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia were siblings, because that was the week Return of the Jedi debuted in theaters.

You want despair? Since the last time a Philadelphia team won a professional title, New York-area teams have won ten -- heck, even Boston has seen six champions (three Super Bowls, two NBA and a World Series) emerge since we last won one. And that's Boston, which was supposed to be the pinnacle of sports disappointment. Please. No franchise in professional sports history has lost more games than the Phillies. No one. Hell, if the Phillies won every single game for the rest of this decade, they still would be a sub-.500 team for their history.

You want despair? I didn't hear Brian Dawkins' name once during this game.

You want despair? Get me talking about our mayoral candidates.

You want despair? We just got beat by Billy Miller, a guy who wasn't good enough to play for the Houston Texans.

You want despair? The thing Philadelphia fans get to hope for over the next four months is that the basketball team keeps losing.

Ugh.

ACCEPTANCE: Ever since McNabb went down, this season was all gravy and icing -- joyous bonus wins extending a season that no one thought was meant to be. This franchise is the gold standard for being good enough to get to the playoffs every year, and, some day, we'll be healthy enough, good enough and smart enough to win a title.

Pitchers and catchers report in thirty-two days. In less than three months, Ryan Howard and Chase Utley re-open Citizen's Bank Park, and not a moment too soon. A long winter beckons.

AT LEAST IT'S NOT QVC: Most of the time, TiVo's "Suggestions" are pretty logical--I have a season pass for "Best Week Ever," so it'll pick up "I Love (Insert Decade Here)" and other various countdown shows, I have a season pass for "Grey's Anatomy," so it'll pick up "Men In Trees," I record a fair amount of crime drama, so "CSI" repeats are fair game--but can someone explain to me why my season pass for "Gilmore Girls" leads TiVo to think I have a particular desire to record programs on the Home Shopping Network?

THAT THING'S LIKE A CHERRY BOMB DROPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF A PUDDING CONVENTION: EW's Whitney Pastorek reviews the top ten hits from this week in 1986, and if you should encounter some snark, some riffing on a favorite chestnut of mine, a Mr. Mister sighting or a good video link along the way, well, that's what friends are for.

REX REGNANT SED NON PRAESTAT:¹ By collating and analyzing a series of incontrovertible truths, some of which were revealed to me mysteriously at the tail end of the BCS Championship (Non-Idaho Division) Game, I have determined which of the remaining eight NFL teams will win the Superbowl. Let's do this Shrutestyle:

• Fact: The University of Florida Gators are the reigning NCAA men's basketball champions.
  
• Fact: The University of Florida Gators are the reigning NCAA men's football champions.
  
• Fact: A University of Florida Gator was the point guard, sometimes known as the "quarterback," of the reigning NBA champion Miami Heat.
  
• Fact: A University of Florida Gator was the shortstop, sometimes known as the "quarterback of the defense,"² of the reigning MLB champion St. Louis Cardinals.
  
• Fact: A University of Florida Gator is the reigning champion of Dancing with the Stars.
  
• Fact: Alcorn State, Boston College, Tennessee, Michigan, North Carolina State, Purdue, and San Jose State have failed to win all of the NCAA football, NCAA men's basketball, and Dancing with the Stars titles that they have sought in the last year.
  
• Fact: The name Rex means "king."
  
• Fact: A king's principal job is to reign.
  
• Fact: The quarterback for the Chicago Bears is named Rex.³ Believe me when I tell you: He is a University of Florida Gator.

Eerie. I know.

¹I am illiterate in Latin, so I may have misconjucated "praesto."
²Unverified.
³His name is also "Grossman," which roughly translates as "big man." Accuracy: unverified.

EVERY EPISODE ENDS WITH A CELEBRATORY DINNER AT RED LOBSTER: Fans of making it work and carrying on will be thrilled to hear that Bravo has set a deal for Tim Gunn's Guide To Style to begin airing on the network later this year. I hope this means that the deal for Gunn to return to Project Runway is also complete, though there's been neither confirmation or denial of that beyond confirmation that the show will return for a fourth season. According to the story, Gunn "will be offering his patented incisive yet kind advice to 'people desperately in need of' style advice." No word on whether my application will be entertained.

APPEARING TONIGHT IN THE ROLE OF SHRIEKING-AT-4-AM-BABY: Courtesy of a Cosmo Baby who is either (a) preparing his audition piece for the next coloratura soprano role that opens up at the Met, (b) nursing a stealth ear infection that no one can find, or (c) teething his little jaws off, no one's getting a whole lot of sleep in the Cosmopolitan household at the moment. Consequently, last night's new Grey's is being held in abeyance until the weekend. In the meantime, feel free to read what the writers have to say and/or to discuss it in the comments, and I'll chime in once I've had a chance to watch.

A FORCE THAT IS ALREADY STOPPED VERSUS AN OBJECT THAT IS ALREADY MOVING BACKWARD: If we're going to do playoff previews, here's another one. Chicago offense, starring the guy who had this season's three worst fantasy football scores and another guy who couldn't hold his spot in the Arizona Cardinals backfield against Michael Pittman or Marcel Shipp, or Seattle defense, which will be playing this week with only eight men, six of whom will be introducing themselves to each other before the game? Seattle offense, whose signature plays are called "green right zoom f right demand interference flag left unsnap chin strap," "green left 236 z-up dear God where is Darrell Jackson" and "you run there, I don't know, maybe that will work," or Chicago defense, who lost its two signature players and who in the last month has resorted to an ingenious, but ultimately unsuccessful, plan to stop opponents by making suggestive references to Tank Johnson's unregistered weapons cache? Or, to put it more succinctly: Team Because of Tony Romo or Team Despite Interceptasaurus Rex?