WE'RE, LIKE, THE SLAYERETTES: Let's continue "Blogging Buffy" with Episodes 3 and 4--"Witch" and "Teacher's Pet." They make sense to talk about together since they're both very much "monster of the week" episodes. Yes, "Teacher's Pet" adds a litle more setup for Angel, what with the discussion of "fork guy," but "Witch" features not just no vampires, but no slaying of any kind (yes, the villainess is ultimately incapacitated, but not killed). A few other thoughts:

• They're also bookends in that "Witch" at least begins as very much a female fantasy episode--the outcast gets to become the head cheerleader--while "Teacher's Pet" at least begins as a male fantasy episode in the "Hot For Teacher" vein. Of course, both ultimately subvert those expectations.
• "Witch" plays an interesting card in allowing the audience to know about the body switching well before our heroes do. Still, Buffy's "Amy?" to the body switched teenager really plays nicely.
• Gellar gets to have some fun as Buffy under the vengance spell, with "You're my Xander-shaped friend!" being a particular high point, rather than her standard "I'm the slayer!" tone.
• Xander's daydream in the cold open for "Teacher's Pet" is brilliant, with the increasing absurdity capped by him "kissing you like you've never been kissed before, and nailing the solo!"
• "Teacher's Pet" is very much Xander's episode. Sure, Buffy ultimately saves the day, but this is about Xander learning a lesson about keeping his libido in control.
• The final third of "Teacher's Pet" really suffers from the show's limited FX budget, in that they're careful to almost never show the she-mantis, and when they do, you're struck less by how frightening the creature is than by the fact that it looks like a paper-mache project from an elementary student.
• In both instances, we have a somewhat silly "final shot twist" ending, which feels tacked on, almost as if there was a "be more like 'X-Files'" note given by the WB.

MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD: No. Not that one. The important one. I trust he was welcomed to the hereafter with a pint.

More here.

PEET BOG: Alfred Peet, founder of Peet's Coffee, a man at the heart of America's coffee revolution, and a man who apparently couldn't teach his one-time partners at Starbucks a goddamn thing about how to make coffee, has died at the age of 87.

CAN HE MAKE A SUGGESTION THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE VIOLENCE, OR IS THIS THE WRONG CROWD FOR THAT? Death at a Funeral is a nicely constructed, but utterly forgettable farce, with one exception--ALOTT5MA favorite Alan Tudyk, who plays a barrister engaged to the decedent's niece who desperately wants to impress his father-in-law-to-be. As the trailer reveals, Tudyk's character winds up accidentially taking a powerful hallucinogen on his way to the funeral, with predictable impact. What makes the performance is not merely the ludicrousness of it and how much Tudyk commands the screen when he's called upon to do so, but that Tudyk is constantly in character--even when just in the corner of the frame, moving from casual hallucinations that "everything is so green" to becoming convinced that the coffin is moving (a joke that has a payoff at the end) until, by the end of the film, he's on top of the roof, naked. It's a great, great comic performance, and I hope it leads to him getting more respect.

HAD HE HOSTED, I'M CONFIDENT LUPUS WOULD NOT HAVE WON: I'm sure I'm not the only one (especially around here) who'd far rather have seen Hugh Laurie host the Emmys than the Seacrest-fest we're going to be subjected to. And while they'd planned to have a (well-deserved) segment highlighting the original songs nominated this year, that's not going to happen, since one of the nominated songs is refusing to censor itself.

THINGS I DISCOVER WHEN I REALLY SHOULD BE WORKING: The fact that the United States Patent and Trademark Office has a "Kids' Page" is awesome enough, but awesomer still in their sub-section on sensory marks, which lets you listen to a number of audio trademarks which you will recognize when you hear them, such as:

• "A sequence of chime-like musical notes which are in the key of C and sound the notes G, E, C" for "broadcasting of television programs."
• A song for "entertainment services in nature of basketball exhibitions."
• "Six musical notes played in a fast tempo, D, C Sharp, D, D, C Sharp, D" for "production and distribution of television and radio entertainment and sports programs."
• A sound you will recognize for "entertainment services in the nature of an animated television series."
• "Two tones in increasing pitch, playing the musical note D followed by the musical note F, just above D, which is then followed by another sequence of two tones in increasing pitch, playing the musical note F-sharp followed by the musical note G, just above F-sharp, which is then followed by a sequence of two tones in increasing pitch, playing the musical note G followed by the musical note A, just above G" for "entertainment services, namely, personalized and interactive entertainment services in the nature of providing personalized television programming, and interactive television programming and games, and entertainment information, namely, an online guide to personalized and interactive television programming."

MOST ILLINGEST B-BOY, THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING, 'CAUSE I AM MOST ILL AND I'M RHYMING AND STEALING: Matt points out below the similarity, intentional or not, between "Putting on the Ritz" and "Istanbul (not Constantinople)" (the latter being a burr in the side of any non-a capella fan at certain a capella-heavy campuses in the Northeast). Adam drew our attention a day or two ago to a nearly seamless mash-up of Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams are Made of These" and the White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army."

My question, and I've been beating this horse for half my life now, is who stole from whom? Bob Marley (1:30-1:45 for the relevant bridge) from the Banana Splits, or the Banana Splits from Bob Marley?