COLE HAMELS CAN MAKE SEPTA RUN ON TIME, BUT MATT WIETERS IS SO DAMN GOOD THAT EVEN HIS INTANGIBLES ARE TANGIBLE: Compare and contrast ColeHamelsFacts.com with MattWietersFacts.com, then see the BBTF community's efforts at an Adam Eaton Facts list.

HEY, YOU! I KNOW YOU! I KNOW YOU! Set your TiVos now, because NBC has scheduled for weeks a two-hour SNL Short Films special on Sunday, May 17:

This historic special features many of SNL's most celebrated short films over the past 34 seasons, including fan favorites: "Synchronized Swimmers," directed by Christopher Guest and featuring Martin Short; "TV Funhouse," written by Robert Smigel; and the 2007 Emmy Award-winning digital short "D**k in a Box," with pop sensation Justin Timberlake. Also included are "Lazy Sunday," "Japanese Office," "United Way" with football star Peyton Manning, "MacGruber," "Star Wars Screen Tests," "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey, "Mr. Bill" and much more.

Timberpants returns for his third (only third?) appearance as host tonight; feel free to discuss here.

RETURN OF THE OCCASIONAL FAUX-NEWSQUIZ: Who said it in this weekend's newspapers, and why?

If you don't need money, and you don't need fame, then you're free.

Your most humorous and least accurate answers are welcome.

BETTER THAN NEIL? For fans of Cap'n Hammer, Michael Ausiello (who's pretty good with these things) is now reporting that a second season of Castle is "a safe bet." The show still needs some tweaking (stronger mysteries, more interesting cops other than Beckett, and actually filming in New York would all help), but a lot of it's already working (the Castle-daughter-mom relationship, the Castle-Beckett chemistry), in no small part due to Nathan Fillion's charm. Glad to see he's finally found a successful vehicle.

THE BARRY GIBB TALK SHOW--ONE CREDIT IN AMERICAN STUDIES: Look, I'm always proud of entertainers or athletes who go back to get their college degree after leaving college to pursue their dreams, even when it's ALOTT5MA designated whipping boy Jimmy Fallon doing so. However, apparently, Fallon presented "a portfolio of his work" to obtain the remaining credits. Seriously? A reputable college is giving someone credits for "Jarret's Room" and Taxi? (OK, "Hi, I'm Carson Daly, and I'm a massive tool." is worth something.)

LET'S PLAY KLINGON BOGGLE AFTERWARDS: The Onion's take on Star Trek has already made the rounds, but seems to me an excellent place for jumping off for a spoiler thread. I'm not seeing it until tomorrow afternoon, but I'm guessing many of you already have.

AND YOU MUST BE THE WOMAN WHO'S BEEN SCREWING MY HUSBAND: We congratulate one of our long-time readers (and occasional guest diarist) as she marks a nice career accomplishment with the 100th episode of Grey's Anatomy airing tonight. Variety has a package of articles, including a hookup chart and a top 10 maladies list, to amuse and delight.