ROLL CALL:  It's been a while since we've done an omnibus check-in. So: who are you, where are you, how are you, and what are you reading these days?

BUT I WILL INSIST THAT WE ONLY BOOED MICHAEL IRVIN UNTIL IT WAS CLEAR HE WASN'T GETTING UP:  Philadelphia Flyers fans booed an anti-cancer ad during last night's game because it featured players from rival teams.  Or because we're pro-cancer.

THEOW EPSTEIN. IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE 'W' IS FOR ...: Some time soon, Theo Epstein will be named something like Vice President for Baseball Operations and General Manager of the Chicago Cubs, Mayor of Wrigleyville, and Earl of Waveland and Boystown Environs. To introduce you northside Chicagoans to your newest neighbor, allow me to present a few true* facts about Theo Epstein:

• Turned a perennially mediocre and dysfunctional team into a consistent winner; and



• Supervised the process of bringing every facet of the organization that was under his control, including on-field product, scouting, and planning, up to the very highest standards in Major League Baseball; and thereby



• Transformed a perpetually dispirited and cynical fan base into one of the most devoted (if irritating to others) in sports; and thereby



• Enabled the creation of a merchandising, broadcasting, and revenue-generating machine that ensured both a competitive advantage over all but a handful of rivals and substantial profits for ownership; all of which



• Resulted in the heaping scorn of his Red Sox employers.



• Epstein also singlehandedly proved, as Joe Morgan and others argued, that Billy Beane was a fraud who knew nothing about baseball, by



• Helping turn Beane's team into a consistent loser, by



• Doing everything that Beane did and then outbidding Beane for every player that Beane wanted.



• Epstein was the first Jewish teenager to own a professional baseball team, right after dropping out of Harvard Business School three credits short of a degree in theoretical computer programming.



• His departure from the Red Sox is causing Ken Tremendous to tear Mose Schrute's hair out.



• He is going to let Steve Bartman live in his basement, because Theo Epstein doesn't believe in curses.

*Facts not guaranteed to be true.

I SENSE A SUIT FOR BREACH OF THE STANDARD ISSUE RICH AND FAMOUS CONTRACT COMING: We have yet another more traditional trailer for The Muppets, which gives us new methods of travel, chickens singing Cee-Lo, Chris Cooper dancing, NPH with the pink Muppets from "Mahna Mahna," and an explanation as to why the movie's not in 3-D.

IT'S ALL BEEN A CROCK SINCE JINCY WILLETT LOST: Your 2011 nominees for the National Book Awards.

MORE MOLEMAN?  Splitsider's Josh Kurp has six ideas for rejuvenating The Simpsons for seasons 24-25.

I'M SORRY. I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT: Apparently, the iPhone 4S's new voice-recognition assistant, Siri, is prepared to answer all sorts of requests.