Wednesday, December 12, 2007

NO STANK, NO AUTISM: The tale of the tape for tonight's ANTM finale -- traditionally the tightest, least-bloated finale in reality TV:

Height: Tall
Girth: Thin
Hair: The masterpiece of a talented and extravagantly angry wig stylist
Signature runway move: Dimple + shrug
Personal journey: Arrived looking like the model-equivalent of a litter of puppies stapled to a kitten hanging from a tree that has been trimmed to resemble a baby in an Anne Geddes photograph. For undisclosed crime, was sentenced to a season wearing the scalp of Dorothy Hamill. Judges felt that ugly hair and occasional jumping completed transition from "commercial" to "edgy/high-fashion" (the latter being another way of saying "ugly").
Most likely signature sponsor: Pottery Barn Kids
Will not win because of: Commerciality, hair
Will win because of: Best remaining spokesmodel (then again, Danielle and Jaslene have won, so this doesn't matter), Tyra's pending adoption of her, Cover Girl acceptability

Height: Tall
Girth: Thin
Hair: Ivana Trump circa 1982
Signature runway move: Self-gratification
Personal journey: Declared self the best model; never wavered; never once wiped bangs from eyes
Most likely signature sponsor: Ford concept car, 2009 Detroit Auto Show
Will not win because of: Thorough ordinariness, no story arc
Will win because of: Judicial indifference, accident

Height: Tall
Girth: Thin
Hair: Unfurled steel-wool weave, painted with yellow Hi-Lighter pen
Signature runway move: Violent head-swivel, self-doubt-and-pivot
Personal journey: Started strong, but finished strong in a way that made judges doubt commitment and fortitude
Most likely signature sponsor: Bausch & Lomb Specialty Extra-Large Contact Lenses for the Bug-Eyed
Will not win because of: Poor judgment in obtaining tooth extensions; insufficient supplication to Tyra
Will win because of: General modeling aptitude when teeth are concealed

Edited to add: Eh. Girls, never ever ever forget: Once Tyra eats your tears, she has no more use for you.

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