Ryan introduces Clay back out to the stage to sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water." Excuse me for a moment. I have to go choke back the bile. I knew that I was going to hate this performance before I ever even saw it, but I decided that I would give it a chance. Sure, the song needs a very subtle touch to keep from becoming overwrought and sentimental, instead of melancholy, yet uplifting. And sure, Clay all but brought The Frying Pan Of Talent with him out onstage. But there's a chance it could work. Couldn't it? Couldn't it?
No, it couldn't. First of all, the arrangement is terrible. It's all full of brass and strings and is loud and intrusive. There are some truly cringe-inducing brass riffs between verses that would sound tacky in a Vegas show. And the gospel choir is still out there. They're singing some fake verse and snapping their fingers as Clay heads out to the microphone. It looks like I'm watching a fucking televangelist right now. Clay heads out to the Substitute Seal in a Ryan-esque striped shirt with an oversized collar. I guess he didn't have enough time to button his cuffs when he changed. Everybody snaps and sways their way through the song. Clay's rendition is a very smarmy Buck Up, Little Camper rendition, as opposed to the Please Don't Kill Yourself, Because I'll Help You Through This version it used to be. Congratulations, folks. You turned "Bridge Over Troubled Water" into "Climb Every Mountain" from The Sound of Music. I couldn't be more pained by this rendition if Clay actually did climb through the television set and literally hit me in the face with a frying pan. I never want to hear Clay sing this song ever again. Ever. Never. Mind you, I don't hate Clay or his singing. Just as with Ruben, I don't give a flying fig about him anymore. I just hate this rendition of this song. Bring me the head of the person who arranged this backing orchestration and vocals. Right now. Just the head. I want to know that this will never happen again. The sheet music for this number needs to be burned, and then buried. And then salt the earth there so that nothing ever grows. And then pave the earth above it. And then build a Hardee's on top so nobody will even set foot there. The last note is like the king of glory notes. It adds nothing to the song at all other than "Look how high I can sing!" Hate it so much. Hate. A tiny piece of my soul just died.
Read the whole blessed thing via this link.
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