Based on voluminous research over the past fifteen years, however, Charlie Glassenberg and I have the answer. Don't look at the records. Don't look at the RPI. Don't look at the point guards, or the coaches, or "veteran experience".
Just look at the kid in the costume trying to excite the crowd.
If you follow the mascots, you will follow victory. We have long demonstrated the awesome power of cyan supernatural forces, men with guns and large cats over birds and unarmed men, as well as our obligations for continued reparations to our aggrieved Native American friends. Here's your foolproof guide to Thursday's key games:
West Region
Washington Huskies (#1) v. Montana Grizzlies (#16): In the long tradition of dog vs. bear, this round goes to the dogs. Huskies.
Wake Forest Demon Deacons (#2) v. Chattanooga Moccasins (#15): The robbers of souls and Satan's support vs. shoes with thin soles and poor support? Not even a contest. Demon Deacons.
Texas Tech Red Raiders (#6) v. UCLA Bruins (#11): Ethnic stereotype come to Tucson, get big heap victory, feast on bear. How! Red Raiders.
Southeast Region
Oklahoma Sooners (#3) v Niagara Purple Eagles (#14): Um, it's purple mountains. Let's get our national symbols colored right. It doesn't matter, for these discolored birds will meet their end sooner rather than later. They've been dyed; now they're dead. Sooners.
Utah Runnin' Utes (#6) vs. Texas El-Paso Miners (#11): These miners have dug themselves into a hole, and that canary is looking a bit woozy. Besides, the ore belonged to the Utes before we stole their land; the blue sky mining company won't come to UTEP's rescue, and the sugar refining company won't save them. Scalp 'em! Runnin' Utes.
Midwest Region
Illinois Fighting Illini (#1) v. Fairleigh Dickinson Knights (#16): Illini fighting mad that Gov. Blagojevich has failed to approve any Native American gaming facilities in Land of Lincoln. Seek vengeance, not peace pipe, and have been innoculated from any disease the white man might bring. Good knight. Illini.
Boston College Eagles (#4) v. Pennsylvania Quakers (#13): Our national symbol, denounced by Benjamin Franklin as a "bird of bad moral character," will surely give the pacifists from the university he founded the peace of the grave. There's just not enough time to form consensus in every huddle, especially when they're all so quiet, and bringing in Ramsey Clark to coach a basketball team was just a mistake. Eagles.
Join our pool, and good luck.
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