A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

AND CHARLA STILL SCREWS ME: Of all of the small gifts the writers' strike has brought us -- a few extra moments with our otherwise-neglected progeny; free time to read that overlong two-volume set of archaic fantasy known as Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell and February 5, 2008 Sample Ballot -- the greatest is upon us: the return of the greatest reality television program of all time: Paradise Hotel. The show returns tonight on MyNetworkTV (I can never remember if that's a network, a web site, or a figment of my imagination) at 9:00, with a TV-MA version following on Fox Reality at 1 a.m. Eastern/10 p.m. Pacific.

I know I've given this run-down before, but let's review the premise:

• A group of twentyish singles, some attractive but most not as attractive as they fancy themselves, is checked into a hotel;
  
• Contestants are encouraged to drink as frequently as possible and are given nothing whatsoever else to do;
  
• Contestants need no encouragement to drink constantly and take it upon themselves to do nothing else whatsoever;
  
• Some contestants are the craziest people ever to appear on television (Yahtzee!);
  
• Some cast members suffer from anthropophobia, a curious and delightful afflication for a voluntary social-reality show participant;
  
• Contestants are forced to pair themselves off, boy-girl;
  
• Each boy-girl pair is required to share a room and sleep in the same bed after doing nothing but drinking all day;
  
• Gee, we wonder what's going to happen;
  
• Musical-chairs method of contestant elimination ensures that each week one person makes sole decision as to who will be voted off;
  
• Each voted-off contestant is replaced by a member of the studio audience;
  
• Some replacement members are as attractive and as dumb as (or more so than) original cast members, causing resentment;
  
• Some replacement members are less attractive (i.e., Mets fans) and marginally smarter than original cast members, causing resentment;
  
• Hey, that thing that we honestly didn't know was going to happen when we plied singles with alcohol and made them sleep in beds together? Is not happening frequently enough, so (a) more alcohol; (b) let's throw in some replacement ringers with lower moral standards; and (c) maybe we need to change this from a dating show to something else; ergo:
  
• Every time the rules are explained to contestants, they change immediately;
  
• No, seriously, we're just making up the rules as we go along;
  
• Like, maybe we can just bring back voted-off cast members who we like, is that okay with you?;
  
• The ultimate prize is not revealed to contestants, and probably not decided upon, until the end of the season, so contestants just speculate wildly;
  
• Since we haven't decided yet what the prize is going to be, let's just make the show keep going on and on and on, so that contestants may wonder openly if they've been kidnapped or imprisoned pending some kind of ransom;
  
• Incidentally, when the prize is awarded and one guy doesn't get any of it, he will be bitter forever, and will have an entire website devoted to how badly another contestant screwed him right up until he had to take it down because he's running for office;
  
• I cannot possibly do justice to the extent to which an appearance on Paradise Hotel should disqualify a person from public office.
  

I have no doubt that the producers are going to screw this up by imposing consistent rules, having a set prize, and limiting the alcohol (although, technically, they tried to limit the alcohol last time and people just drank through the limits and suffered fines as a result). But at least we can hope, right?