WEDNESDAY MORNING, 3 A.M. (OVERHEARD AT A MID-‘90s COCKTAIL PARTY AT JAMES CAMERON’S HOUSE EDITION): In which another entirely imaginary conversation belabors a previously-raised point. The premise of said conversation may already have been joked about somewhere else on the web. If that is the case I am anxious to acknowledge the fact; however, a prudent amount of googling has failed to refresh my recollection as to any specific prior source.
James Cameron (James Cameron)
Wanker1 (middle age, slim, bloodshot, agitated, sniffly)
Wanker2 (older, doughy, tan, stern, slurring)
Wanker3 (younger, obsequious, overdressed, nervous)
(four men stand aside from the other attendees, speaking intently)
JC – I just don’t get it guys, how can there be a problem with the iceberg?
Wanker2 – Well, it’s random, for one.
Wanker3 – It is. Totally. Just right out of the blue!
Wanker1 – Black, really, in this case, but the point is: why? Where does it come from? How does the audience relate to it suddenly intersecting with the established development of the characters? How do we provide the context, you know, to, to…
Wanker2 – To explain the damn thing, James?
JC – What’s to explain? It’s an iceberg. An iceberg hits the boat.
Wanker1 – The boat hits the iceberg, really, but the point is: if we’re going to use it we have to establish it.
JC – Establish it? An iceberg?
Wanker2 – We’re speaking for the studio here, James. Looking out for the interests of the investors.
Wanker3 – It’s not that they aren’t behind you! You’re the alpha! They love you! It’s just a question of connecting with the widest possible market.
Wanker1 – Consider it from the perspective of your audience. The point is: Who’s ever seen an iceberg? This isn’t an ice age. Who’s going to understand that? How can we prepare them for that?
JC – What are you talking about?
Wanker1 – If we don’t take the time to provide them with a context for the thing, the audience is going to get lost asking: “Why an iceberg?” This isn’t PBS. We can’t take time out of the story to set this up.
JC – But that’s what happened!
Wanker2 – Historically, that’s what happened.
Wanker3 – As a matter of history!
Wanker1 – Ancient history, really. This isn’t a matter of history. This is not a historical question. We’re not doing a documentary. This is art. This is a movie. The boat can hit anything we want.
JC – Anything we want? Um… Oh, god. What do you, uh, have in mind?
Wanker3 – The most recent research shows a stronger identification, you know, than with icebergs – Or! Or storms! You know, for that matter… There’s a stronger identification…
Wanker2 – Tell him about the pirates.
JC – The studio wants pirates?!
Wanker3 – No, no! This beat pirates by 23% among males 13-35 years old! Can you believe it?
JC – I’m sure I can’t.
Wanker1 – The point is: it’s a lock. It’s an absolute green money lock.
JC – Green mo… Jesus. … So what the fuck is it?
Wanker3 – A sea monster!
Wanker1 – A giant squid, actually, in this case. A colossal motherfucking squid. Big as midtown Manhattan. Clears up the motivational problems…
JC – Motivational problems?
Wanker1 – Right. There’s no need for a complicated back-story here. No set-up. It’s a giant squid! Of course it’s eating the boat! You don’t have to explain that to anybody. It gives the protagonists a villain to contend with … brings the background into the foreground … so to speak ...
JC – So to speak? I, um… Are you high? Are you serious?
Wanker1 – Yes! I mean, so what? Yes. The data doesn’t lie, man.
Wanker2 – It doesn’t lie James.
Wanker3 – And the best part is we get another 4% of the teen-agers if the squid is an alien with psychic powers of any kind.
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