A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

THE PLUSHY SEX BOMB IS PREPARED TO DETONATE: ALOTT5MA Award-Winning Correspondent Gretchen** recaps last night's pairs figure skating action, and previews the men's competition which begins tonight:

Last night, pairs skaters Pang and Tong put together an impossible dream of a free skate at the Olympics -- an inspired, exuberant, and clean performance to music from Man of La Mancha. It was the highest-scoring free skate of the night, but it wasn't enough to move them into gold. Shen and Zhao, despite a freak stumble out of a lift, were just too dominant in the short program for Pang and Tong to catch up. Nevertheless, the evening felt really satisfying to me -- from the gold for sentimental favorites Shen and Zhao to the winning performance by Pang and Tong to the exclusion of the uninspiring Russians and inflated-score-Canadians from the podium. In a judged and subjective sport like figure skating, it's really great when the judges seem to get it right.

The commentators mentioned last night that Pang and Tong got a 1 point deduction for a music violation. (We theorized at home that their coach just got confused about which mp3 to cue up.) Actually, the music was of a perfectly fine length, but the skaters stopped two seconds after the music did. Really, shouldn't that be called a skater violation, rather than blaming the poor innocent music?

Finally, there's a reason why Russian skaters traditionally excel in international competition, and why China is surging far beyond what the Americans can pull together. And no, New York Times, the Chinese victory does not represent a democratizing moment. The USSR had the institutional infrastructure to put together pairs from an early age, move them away from their families to training centers, provide government support for their sports careers, and keep them focused on skating. While the collapse of the Soviet Union resulted in the collapse of this training system, China's incredible success at pairs skating is the result of a very similar, Soviet-style system (and, of course, one passionate coach, Yao Bin). Yao Bin picked Shen and Zhao to skate together; they moved into sports training dormitories; and they have remained paired for 18 years. By contrast, American skaters are basically left to their own devices to find their partners. Many pairs skaters don't begin skating in pairs until they are much older, often after hopes of a singles career have burned out. They just don't have the years of experience to develop the kind of consistency, trust, and unison skating that gold-medal-caliber skating requires. Many are also self-funded -- as NBC made clear last night, with references to Mark Ladwig's overdue mortgage payments and Jeremy Barrett's second career driving the Zamboni. I'm thrilled for the Chinese skaters and their coach, but I think it's pretty clear that elite pairs skating requires a more interventionist, less democratic approach.

And tonight, the men's short, featuring the Return of Sex Bomb Plushy, the always-entertaining, potentially-fur-wearing, Tanith-Belbin-roommate Johnny Weir, dark horse Jeremy Abbott, skating to bluesy music in a gorgeous short, and world champion Evan Lysacek. The US men have a real chance at the podium here, but it's a strong field.

One thing to look at is the number of quads. The skaters are really split between those who can quad and those who can't. In the former camp, Plushy, Jeremy Abbott, the Czech Republic's Tomas Verner, Brian Joubert, and Stephane Lambiel. In the latter, Evan Lysacek, Patrick Chan, Johnny Weir, and Nobunari Oda. Another thing to look at will be the transitions -- the little moves that skaters do before performing a jump or another required element. Abbott has beautiful transitions, which raise his scores. Plushy, by contrast, just jumps, and jumps, and jumps. (Note: waving your hands in the air does not usually count as a transition.) If Plushy is perfectly clean, he'll probably jump his way to victory. But if he stumbles, then another skater with fewer quads and a higher level of difficulty could sneak in.

** It's not in her contract that I have to call her that; I just like saying it.