"THIS IS ALL JAY HAS EVER WANTED": Which is not to say that The Hollywood Reporter won't speculate about Jay Leno's seven most-likely post-"Tonight Show" options.

My guess: loyal company man that he ultimately is (despite the phone-snooping incident), Leno declines to take on Conan O'Brien in any overlapping time slot. Instead, he'll do a Larry King-like show on MSNBC four nights a week, continue to do stand-up and corporate events, and gradually develop a political edge that makes him much more interesting to watch, and I have no idea what that edge is. (Seriously: what do we know about Leno's personal life or views other than the fact that he's married and likes old cars?)

INSERT REFERENCE TO KEVIN FEDERLINE: For discussion--less surprising breakup of the week--Madonna dumping Guy Ritchie or Anne Hathaway dumping her skeevy "financier" boyfriend right before he was indicted?

THESIS: "IS IT IN YOU?" IS THE WORST CAMPAIGN SINCE "A THOUSAND TINY FINGERS MASSAGING YOUR GUMS" AND, BEFORE THAT, "YOU ASKED FOR IT, YOU GOT IT." What, exactly, is in you? Gatorade original, Vitamin Water, or something else? And what flavor? (I ask because when my gym runs out of original lemon-lime Gatorade, every other option tastes like weak unsweetened Kool-Aid to me.)

ALL RIGHT, WHAT KID IS MASTURBATING IN OHIO RIGHT NOW -- GET HIM! We talked about the weird Buzz Bissinger-Will Leitch Costas Now, and then I believe we talked about it again. I mention this because over at Deadspin they're doing a roast of Will Leitch for his last day at the site, and it includes this absolutely genius redubbing of the Costas Now introduction. It only makes sense if you saw the original Costas Now piece and if you know a lot of the Deadspin story, but if you meet those criteria, just brilliant.

ETA: Adam points out, in case you hadn't noticed the title to this post, that the audio is NSFW.

SUMMER COCKTAIL SERIES (AND PERFORMANCE ART) #4

You (yes, you!) can participate in our summer cocktail series. From you we need (a) an amusing anecdote about a summer cocktail and (b) a recipe for a summer cocktail. Send it in.

Long-lived commenter 3under5 provides us more evidence of Ben Franklin's axiom that

Beer is Proof That God Loves Us and Wants Us to Be Happy:

Wake up early on a day when you know that it is going to be hot and sunny. It's best if it's before 8 am. Ideally, the temperature should be expected to reach into the 90's, at least.*

You'll need a glass mug, 16 oz. size is ideal. It should be thick with a solid, sturdy handle. You can go with a fancy designer mug, but it's not necessary. My favorite is one that says "World's Be-t Gr-ndpa" in black and red foil letters (the 'e' and the 'a' have been scratched away over time). As it happens, I learned about this drink watching my grandpa drink from the same mug, while I enjoyed a similarly prepared Vernor's he hauled 1800 miles for me every summer.

In any event, once you've chosen your mug, run it under lukewarm water, making sure to leave just a little in the bottom (about a half-moon, just enough so that when it breaks off later it will be a solid ice piece that will rise to the top of liquid, but not so much that it will water down your drink) and visible droplets on the sides and handle. Place the mug (or mugs, if you have company) in your freezer.

If you have long hair, you'll want to pull it back in some sort of dew rag or head band, or you may want to put on a baseball cap. You should also have some work or gardening gloves. What's important here is not fashion, but utility. You're going to sweat. Now, go outside. You'll need a project, and it should be one that requires significant manual labor. For best results, I prefer projects like laying sod or digging fence post holes, something that requires a lot of arm muscle (in the interest of honesty, I admit I have done the former, but I have not, in fact, ever dug a fence post hole by myself). Ideally, the task should be one you can complete in about a 10 hour time period (shorter or longer may negatively impact the result).

Work at your project. Work at it hard and with few breaks. Work at it all day. Work until your body is covered in sweat with droplets rolling in and stinging the corners of your eyes. Work until the skin on your shoulders and forearms has burnt a little and is starting to hurt and crack (this may not seem important, but it is, don't leave this out). Work until you can't go on. Most importantly, work until you have a visible result.

Throw down your shovel. Remove your gloves. Wipe the sweat off your brow with the back of your hand. Go inside and wash your hands - but do not shower. Get a beer from your refrigerator. At this point, any beer will do, and actually, beer in a can is best for pouring. The lighter, the better, and price and perceived quality have ceased to be important. (Grandpa usually went with the Silver Bullet.) Carefully remove your mug from the freezer and watch as the frost appears. Admire the ice droplets on the sides. You can briefly press the mug against your burning forearm, but don't take too long, you don't want it to melt. Tip the mug to the side, and slowly pour the beer in, but not too slowly. Stop as it foams up over the top, sip a little of the head, then empty can into the mug.

WAIT! STOP! Do not drink any more.

You need to go back outside, find a spot of shade and a plastic lawn chair, positioned so that you can admire your work. Now, Enjoy.

*This works best if you live in a dry climate and can watch the dust blow by you in a hot wind. I've learned that in more humid climates, you may want to take more breaks and be sure to stay hydrated throughout the day.

I RESPECTFULLY DECLINED TO SUBMIT MYSELF FOR CONSIDERATION: GoldDerby has the list of the semi-finalists in the Emmy series category, which include surprising inclusions both joyous (The Wire, Dexter, FNL) and madenning (Family Guy, over HIMYM and The Simpsons), and some surprising exclusions (nary a bit of love for CBS' Sunday comedies, and many highly rated shows not making the list). Some surprising episode choices, too--Family Guy not going with "Blue Harvest," Boston Legal going with the well-acted but extremely political "The Court Supreme," and The Wire going with the finale, which will be interesting if it comes through to folks without prior experience with the series.

Based on this, I'm guessing Comedy will be The Office, Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock, Entourage, and Conchords, while Drama will be House, Boston Legal, Friday Night Lights, Lost, and The Wire.

"MASTERPIECE": Yes, that's what they're saying about WALL-E, and I believe that my "oh, when is the good culture coming?" whining is over. Joe Morgenstern, WSJ:

The first half hour of "WALL-E" is essentially wordless, and left me speechless. This magnificent animated feature from Pixar starts on such a high plane of aspiration, and achievement, that you wonder whether the wonder can be sustained. But yes, it can.... [T]he film stands as a stunning tour de force. The director has described it as his love letter to the golden era of sci-fi films that enchanted him as a kid in the 1970s. It is certainly that, in hearts and spades. Beyond that, though, it's a love letter to the possibilities of the movie medium, and a dazzling demonstration of how computers can create a photorealistic world -- in this case a ruined world of mysterious majesty -- that leaves literal reality in the dust.... I must drop my inhibitions about dropping the M word -- especially since I've already used magnificent -- and call "WALL-E" the masterpiece that it is.

Ken Turan, LA Times:

Daring and traditional, groundbreaking and familiar, apocalyptic and sentimental, "Wall-E" gains strength from embracing contradictions that would destroy other films. Directed by Pixar stalwart Andrew Stanton, who co-wrote and directed the Oscar-winning "Finding Nemo," "Wall-E" is the latest Pixar film to manage what's become next door to impossible for anyone else: appealing to the broadest possible audience without insulting anyone's intelligence.

Part robot romance between two mismatched mechanized marvels, part science fiction saga with deliberate echoes of Stanley Kubrick's "2001," this may be the first animated feature to pivot around novelist E.M. Forster's famous imperative, "Only connect."

EW's Owen Gleiberman:

There's a way to measure how well an animated film takes over your imagination. Do you forget, during the movie, that you're even watching animation? Do the textures and settings, the fantasy-land characters, become — for lack of a better word — real? That, or something close to it, is what happened to me during WALL-E, the puckishly inventive, altogether marvelous new digitally animated feature from Pixar.... [E]ven as the movie turns pointedly, and resonantly, satirical, it never loses its heart. I'm not sure I'd trust anyone, kid or adult, who didn't get a bit of a lump in the throat by the end of WALL-E, a film that brings off what the best (and only the best) Pixar films have: It whisks you to another world, then makes it every inch our own.

The NY Post's Lou Lumenick says that "Some day, there will be college courses devoted to this movie." I believe I know what I'm doing this weekend.