Tuesday, January 20, 2009

ALOTT5MA TRAVEL ADVISORY: For those of you trying to get around Washington, here's the rundown:

Subway: Blue, Orange, and Green Lines are closed due to congestion. All stops on Red Line are closed except Friendship Heights. All stops on Yellow Line are open but expect 43-hour delays.

Buses: All buses are currently full but will make regular stops to facilitate market trading in bus seats.

Cars: No autos may start or stop. Autos traveling prior to the start-stop ban will be grandfathered with proper documentation. Traffic police will be enforcing strict all-lanes-must-turn-right rules at all intersections.

Pedestrians: All streets whose names are numbers, letters of the alphabet, States of the Union admitted prior to January 3, 1896, Presidents, wealthy persons, or legal documents are closed to pedestrian traffic.

Bicycles: Three-day bicyclist hunting licenses will be issued for a nominal fee at the Department of the Interior. Hunters bagging undersized bicyclists will be fined.


Other: We have reports of inauguration attendees attempting to travel on clouds of euphoria. We strongly discourage this. Expectations are spiking dangerously high today and could create both obstructions and severe puncture risks.

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