THIS YEAR, TO SAVE ME FROM TEARS: The Awl's Tom Keiser argues that Wham's "Last Christmas" is "the most horrible holiday song ever made," calling it "a wallowing mess of a song. It mistakes self-indulgence for closure. It contains a synthy falseness that would make even Paul McCartney and Wings wince."
Did You Know? Wham! settled a lawsuit filed by the songwriters of Barry Manilow's "Can't Smile Without You," who claimed that the song ripped off its melody, and agreed to donate the song's first year's royalties to Band Aid.
My buddy Tod Goldberg has taken it upon himself to start dissecting some holiday classics on his blog:
ReplyDeleteBaby It's Cold Outside: A Dateline Investigation is pretty awesome, if you ask me.
In my younger days, when I managed a retail shop, my policy was No Christmas Music. I'd have a Bach violin concerto playing on a Saturday evening in December, and the look of relief that came over the customers as they realized that this shop, this one modest shop, was an oasis from the relentless aural assault they'd been enduring for weeks -- well, it was a good look. I felt like I was giving something back for the season.
ReplyDeleteLast week's Extra Hot Great declared that "Wonderful Christmastime" was worse than jazz. I'd say it's worse than Wham's "Last Christmas." My family's favorite terrible Christmas song is Ricky Martin's "Ay, Ay, Ay It's Christmas" which I can't seem to locate on You-Tube. It is worse than both of these songs, but less ubiquitous...
ReplyDeleteBaby It's Cold Outside has always made me giggle because it's this pretty, sweet sounding duet that can actually be summed up as, "Baby, don't be a prude--stay and lets get it on." And until I looked up the lyrics I actually thought "get over that old out" was "get over that hold out."
ReplyDeleteConcur with Maggie that while "Last Christmas" is not good, "Wonderful Christmastime" is indeed WORSE. Although I submit that much worse than either one of those is that "Christmas Shoes" song.
ReplyDeleteI'll submit Hard Candy Christmas. For those feeling brave:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCguQ1_wqVM
Worst Christmas songs playoff:
ReplyDeletehttp://jezebel.com/5869726/and-then-there-were-two-the-worst-christmas-song-championship
And for sheer ear worminess, N*SYNC's "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" takes the cake for me...
ReplyDeleteIn a world where Mariah Carey's version of "All I Want For Christmas" exists (as well as Christmas Shoes and Wonderful Christmas Time), this isn't even in the top 10.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that could make Wham!'s "Last Christmas" worse is if it were sung by a bunch of actors in a terrible tv show.
ReplyDeleteI am enjoying your friends blog. This post is hysterical: http://todgoldberg.typepad.com/tod_goldberg/2011/08/5-songs-that-arent-really-about-what-i-thought-they-were-about.html
ReplyDeleteI love that song! I usually stick with the all-Dolly version, though.
ReplyDeleteI also quite like "Last Christmas," though, so what do I know.
In fact I can tolerate almost any holiday song as long as the lyrics aren't changed from the original in an attempt to tell me which retailers I should patronize.
You guys, has anyone ever made a TV movie starring Rob Lowe about your nominee for worst Christmas song?
ReplyDeleteThere is "Christmas Shoes," and then everything else.
The trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rc6oh-gvdE
ReplyDelete"All I Want For Christmas" is an affirmatively great song. Yeah, I said it.
ReplyDeleteI hate "Last Christmas" with a burning, fiery hatred. Presumably, last Christmas he thought the person to whom he was giving his heart WAS special, right? If not, he's an idiot and deserves no pity.
ReplyDeleteAgreed 100%, but only when Mariah sings it, and I am no fan of hers.
ReplyDeleteThere's also the thing where the Mariah version is pretty much the only version that gets played, meaning the song wears out a lot earlier in the Christmas season than tunes where there are lots of covers. But the first time I hear the song each year, I appreciate all over again what a great piece of pop it is.
I refferred to the ann margaret/some man with a gruff voice version I had on a christmas compliation as "The Date Rape Christmas Song" during college. Well and still now.
ReplyDeleteIT IS SOOOO MUCH WORSE!! Ay ay ay it is in rotation at the corporate retail chain I work at. Although god bless my manager who hates christmas music so much she won't put it in until after thanksgiving and it often comes out on christmas eve.
ReplyDeleteYes! That Christmas Shoes thing is absolutely terrible. It's kitschy and treacly and completely saccharine. I LUNGE to change the station when it comes on. Blech.
ReplyDeleteI have a soft spot for "Last Christmas" because I lurved Wham! in my pink fourteen-year-old heart.
My favorite approach is that taken by WETA, the classical public station I listen to at work. Starting after Thanksgiving, they slowly introduce Christmas music into their playlists. The first few weeks, it's just a song or two every few hours and then it slowly ramps up to all Christmas all the time on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. And it's all lovely choral and instrumental music - no Jingle Bell Rock, no Santa Baby, no I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. In fact, right now, I'm listening to a lovely rendition of The Holly & The Ivy.
ReplyDeleteSeconding what a couple of people above have said, I would say that "Wonderful Christmastime" is worse. And "The Christmas Shoes" is much, MUCH worse. No contest.
ReplyDeleteI like Dolly's version of "Hard Candy Christmas," but it is not not not a Christmas song! And neither is "My Favorite Things."
ReplyDeleteThe Boyfriend referred to it on Saturday as "The Date Rape Christmas Song" and was horrified when I said i liked the song. I had no defense for the content--the best I could do was that I love that scene in "Elf."
ReplyDeleteMe, too! I think I special ordered the "Last Christmas" 45 from England, I was so desperate to have it.
ReplyDelete<span>I really, really like "Baby, It's Cold Outside" so I keep linking to this reading/defense of it.
ReplyDeletehttp://persephonemagazine.com/2010/12/listening-while-feminist-in-defense-of-baby-it%E2%80%99s-cold-outside/
And if anyone can unearth the clip of Sigourney Weaver and Christopher Durang performing it on Saturday Night Live back in the 80s, I would be most grateful.</span>
@WillSasso: The 'Baby It's Cold Outside' guy needs to stop being a pussy and just that girl what he wants.
ReplyDeleteI'll stand up for the Olivia Olson version from Love Actually, which is also pretty good (though she's plainly trying to ape Mariah).
ReplyDeleteI submit that The Christmas Shoes is not only the worst holiday song, but one of the worst songs ever. And that's saying something.
ReplyDeletePatton Oswalt has a pretty hilarious (and inappropriate) breakdown of The Christmas Shoes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY
Co-signed :). We have been enjoying SomaFM's Christmas Lounge station this month, though.
ReplyDeleteI'm okay with Last Christmas. Not enough to own a copy of it, mind you, but I don't wince when it starts playing while I'm, say, at a department store.
ReplyDeleteNow, "Wonderful Christmastime"---that's another story.
True, but I mean "Hard Candy Christmas" has the word Christmas in the title. It's like the most understandable not-Christmas-song-appropriated-as-a-Christmas-song ever.
ReplyDeleteAgree totally -- I avoid radio as much as possible in the run-up to Christmas, but I still love WETA every morning and evening.
ReplyDeleteAt my physical therapist, I got her to turn off the horrible muzaky Christmas music that's next to the treadmill -- I said I wouldn't be able to walk for 10 minutes without grinding my teeth.
I can't listen to the Mariah song anymore since I watched Jon Stewart's takedown.
ReplyDeleteI actually haven't heard "the christmas song about footwear that shall not be named" this year. Maybe the radio stations and stores are starting to realize that it is not in their best interest to torture us with it.
ReplyDeleteAdam, what are the odds, post-sampling-controversy, that that lawsuit would fly today? I hear a resemblance in a 9-note sequence (this year to save me from tears/if you only knew what I'm going through), but isn't there leeway these days to allow that kind of thing from happening?
ReplyDeleteFor me, a lot of the fun in pop music is in medleying things together. One could argue that Michael was just thinking of the lounge singers, helping them along... :-)